The Hell Butterfly

Posts tagged “Indecision

– The Line –

O, why must I be Hamlet?

Two feet walking step by step

along a line that is paved with blood.

Poison in my heart, pierced.

To my left I see a family,

all smiling like they mean it, yet

plotting,

plotting my demise.

I must deny you, sweet girl.

The right is all-destroying Darkness.

Though true, it’s right, but is it right?

Whether ‘tis nobler to agree,

or disagree,

or walk the endless walk of Time

and His cruel agony,

perhaps soft Sleep will tell. To sleep

perchance to dream. Dream forever.

O, Ophelia, why can I not choose like you?

Sleeping with the fish, warm in the riverbed,

I envy you.

To sleep the final sleep, it’s true,

may not have been your choice.

But you could make one.

The crazy girl that sung

and danced

and broke out in hysterics just because she could,

because your fate was sealed by foul lips

that uttered words like nails to your coffin.

You were so pretty. They thought it a waste.

You made the choice to take it, crushed

though you were by the weight of your rejection.

Forgive me,

I could not, cannot, choose.

I walk the line once more, my dear Ophelia.

I do not, will not, drown.

My eternal Princess of the deep.

I am but Hamlet,

and I’ll never choose.

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Should I, Shouldn’t I? – The Art of Indecision

So my adventures over at Kerrang! Dating are more like non-adventures in the sense that, well, there aren’t any.

Mr L still hasn’t replied. I stopped messaging Mr M because he annoyed me and it was awkward. And nobody else has contacted me personally.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to make the first move. Always have been. That’s why I stopped asking guys out when I was what, fourteen? After a few rejections – which I should have expected at fourteen – I started to give up. At that point, and ever since, I figure why let myself get into something to be let down? If they like me, let them come to me. That was and is my motto. Perhaps I ought to change that. Not like it’s worked out well for me thus far.

Over the last few days I have received introductory messages from three people that have potentially grabbed my interest. I say potentially because I’m not sure at this early stage. I don’t like to jump into things. I overthink. I worry about what they’ll say if I respond. Like I said before, I don’t like to make the first move. And I’m terrible for trying to drop hints. One of them worked, oddly, but normally they won’t. For example I will read the email, if I like them then I’ll view their page, and if I really like them I’ll email – only Mr L has received this last – but the ‘subtle hint’ is the viewing of the page. The other person can see if I’ve seen it and if they view my page back they are kind of interested, and if they send a message they are a little more interested. This worked only once.

Because I like labels in the business of privacy-keeping, I shall give nicknames to the emailers. I realise just thinking about it that it sounds like some science experiment, but I suppose in a sense it kind of is. The emailers are J22, B25, and M24. Sounds like a game of Battleships. Taking this analogy, M24 was a hit. I read his message, viewed his page, and waited to see if he looked back. He did. He also Winked. Now I’m the first to admit – and have done in earlier posts – how much I dislike the Wink feature. It’s creepy. But the fact he looked back and did so (and isn’t a 50 year old man) means I’ve got a hit. Even if only a little one.

The topic of this post is indecision.

I can’t decide whether to email any of these ‘potentials’. M24 is the only one to have taken the bait, but B25 is both good looking and sounds interesting, and J22 looks like Matt Bellamy and has some decent, almost forgotten in the human race, traits (ie looking after the environment). But my indecision as to whether I should email them or not is stopping any progress at all.

Should I? Shouldn’t I?

I won’t get a response if I don’t, but what if they really don’t like me? Or what if they do like me and it turns out I don’t like them after all. Or what if it happens to go well but they want to meet before I do? What if they’re actually really creepy. Or worse yet, what if they’re really nice? I can’t compete with that. I can make myself appear a certain way on the surface, but the more they dig, the further away from me they’ll want to be. It’s just the way Nature built me.

Indecision has stopped me doing so many things in my life because I worry too much about the consequences. I don’t know what’s going to happen if I step out of my comfort zone, so instead I ignore it and lock the door. It’s how I’ve always been. I’m scared of every little thing, have more anxieties than I can count on my fingers and toes, and am so set in my comfort zone that there’s a permanent butt-print on my comfy-couch.

So I guess what I’m saying is, should I email any of them?

There’s no reason I shouldn’t. It’s not like they have my address or phone number to stalk me if they are creepy. They don’t even have my last name. So if things go bad I can simply stop emailing. And if things go well and they want to meet, I can tell them it’s too quick and they’ll either give up on me – likely – or accept it gracefully and wait – less likely. I’m just too much of a wimp to decide. I’ve been staring at my inbox for ages now wondering ‘Should I email any of them?’

Seeing as M24 viewed my page and Winked (ew, but okay then) he seems the best choice. So I’m asking myself and asking anyone reading this, should I email him? Or any of them? Or all of them? Or should I wait and let them come to me? Letting them come to me has only worked once in my life and I blew that one, so perhaps that isn’t the best option for my personal life, but is it best if I can’t choose for myself to bite the proverbial bullet?