The Perverts Are Coming, The Perverts Are Coming
I was beginning to wonder where all the ass-hats of the internet were. Now, a couple weeks down the line, they are emerging. In between my now more regular conversations with my peeps, there have been the regular inflow of weird and wonderful first messages. And it is only now – a small surprise – that the weird turned into the WTF.
Let’s take a look at the latest first messages I have received, shall we?
Benney: Hey,lovely pictures, you seem a decent person from your profile would love to get to know you some more. Sorry ifrtypos using phone no Internet at home just bought a house.
Hey Amy, lovely pictures, you seem a decent
Now, from the get go this felt like reproduced, impersonal crap. Imagine my surprise then, God forbid!, when I read “Hello Amy, lovely pictures, you seem a decent” … Do you want to be any less subtle about your use of copy and paste? This guy has no originality and I feel bad for the girl who falls for this bull. Benney, I don’t care about your new house, your only typo was when you said sorry for typos, and if you get any vaguer I’d mistake you for a sheet of white paper. Mate, you suck.
Oscar: Hi, I’m Italian, I’m 22 years old and I’m new in this city….can you help me to find some places for drink and have fun
Okay, so a nice cushty little intro … Oh. The dude wants directions to the local waterhole. Sorry Mr Italy, but you don’t go to PoF for assistance, you go to an information kiosk. Le sigh.
Rayman: Woweee, you’re perfect! 🙂 xx
This was so hilariously sweet I saved it in my inbox a couple days. Sorry mate, I’m not going to respond to it, but it did make me smile so points for trying.
DizzyDarcy: Heya, when you’re not manically grinning, very cute smile! 😛 x
Um, thanks, I think? I get the smile in my profile picture shows perhaps too much teeth, but that’s not a manic grin. You wanna see a manic grin, just check out my last art project. Stitches painted on my face, eyes so wide there was a moat of white around the irises and a meat cleaver covering half my face. That, my friend, is a manic grin. But cheers for the sort-of compliment.
AlabasterSteakHouse: What happens if you take off the hat? Is it some kind of Raiders of the Lost Ark situation?
Firstly, your username is Alabaster Steak House? I can’t even … As for the hat comment, it might have been funny if you didn’t follow it up with an Indiana Jones reference that I don’t understand. My only answer for this is that he thinks if I take off the hat it means they’re digging in the wrong place! Plus, Steak House … I’m a veggie. Goodbye.
Now, this is where the weirdness spreads into creepiness. These next aren’t in the order I got them, but in order of grossness.
AllDayTeaDrinker: So what’s your preference, boxers or briefs?
On me? Or on you? Because I don’t know you, and therefore don’t wish to even think about what underwear you have on, much less inform you of which I would prefer you in. And if you’re asking which I myself prefer to wear, that’s extremely personal and something I would only want a guy to know if, you know, we’re getting kinda intimate. That’s not something you just tell a person before you even know their name. What a creep.
Couttsey: My magic watch says u have no underwear on
…… Uhh. What? I don’t know whether to report you for inappropriate behaviour or lead you on so I can meet up with you and punch you in the twig and giggleberries. You know, on principle. Total dick move, pervert.
It was only a matter of time before the weirdos emerged from their caves. I’m not insulted, not even angry, by these types of messages. Just disappointed that these types of people still exist. Still trawl the internet thinking that their disgusting language, and worse spelling, will get them some. No-one’s gonna want to touch you with a barge pole after you ask them their underwear preference, or predict their current state of undress. Incorrectly. It is a sad fact that these people still do act the way they do, say the things they do, and hope the way they do that it will actually attract a girl. The only thing they have achieved is helping me amuse you, my readers, with a post taking the piss out of them. God bless you, idiots of the internet. Where would modern humour be without you?