The Hell Butterfly

More Adventures in the Pond

For a time it went quiet: no hellos, no creepy messages, no bog standard how are you’s. I was starting to wonder if the fun times were up. But I’ve struck gold. Seriously, I have hit the mother-load this last week and I have been so shocked, annoyed and amused that it’s made my choice to join the site almost worth it.

Let’s begin with the lexical-scrap I had with AviationFan. Now, bare in mind when you read the conversation I’m about to copy here that he started this. He sent the first message, and I am still, after constant reading, unable to comprehend what the original point of it was.

AF: Cringe

 

Me: cringe (verb): to shrink in fear or embarrassment; to cower; to behave with servility; to fawn.

Definition courtesy of The Geddess & Grosset English Dictionary.

 

AF: Well done, you have read my mind! That is exactly what I was saying; you’re profile picture you are doing so!

 

Me: Due to your inability to use the correct version of “you’re” I am unable to process this message.

 

AF: Blame auto correct not me! I have A-level English language!

Now, after seeing this, can any one of you explain to me what he meant? Because I’m fucked if I know what this ass-hat was trying to say. I think he was trying to insult me, but I really can’t be sure. I’m more confused than annoyed. Plus, I was too busy smirking at my retorts to put too much stock in his words. Whatever, mate. Piss off back to The Pond.

But that’s just the tip of the glittering iceberg. Today I received a message so obscure I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. My sister gave me a weird look because it was so random. I just couldn’t control it, the giggles just erupted. I have heard some strange stuff in my time in K! Dating, and some odd things on PoF too, but this has taken the proverbial cake, gold star and every other winner’s trophy you can think of. This is what it said:

hello
if u were sitting down near some broken machines and then you realized that u had been accidentally sitting on my face coz i was trapped under the machines what wud u do? wud u help me? 😦

I can’t even … Just re-reading the first few words makes the grin spread across my face once more. This is fuckin’ brilliant. I can’t even respond in a witty way because this is just too ridiculous for words. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at an online dating message, and yes I am including the bloke who liked “women who frolic in fields and wear pretty summer dresses”. I just … the tears threaten behind my eyes as my ribs strain not to crack. It’s just too damn funny!

And the fun just kept coming at me this week. I really have found some terribly good shit whilst fishing this week. The next comes as a response (I hope) to my “cheese should stay in the fridge” metaphor. The following is the only thing he sent me. No previous message, no follow up comment. Just this:

I used to live with someone who kept their bread in the fridge and their eggs in the cupboard.

How does this genius expect me to reply to this bullshit? It’s comedy gold but on a dating site, not the best way to approach a girl. This made me smile so much I kept it in my Inbox for 3 days. It’s not quite as good as the previous one, as I think that will stay in my Inbox a lot longer, but it’s still pretty priceless.

And finally, a humour-filled attempt at actual conversation that I decided to ignore, but that gave me happy feels at the idiocy nonetheless. This last one comes courtesy of Rob_In_A_Box. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Hey there!
Your profile caught my eye-I enjoy sarcasm (more funny for other people as I take sarcasm literally sometimes-still doesn’t stop me using it!) and also believe that cheese should be stored in the fridge, however should be eaten at room temperature! Not sure on your belief…maybe keep cheese in the fridge and there it should remain haha.
Anyway if you don’t mind my cheese fanatics on a slice of sarcasm then hear from you sometime in the near-ish future?

Yours from the other side of the internet

I cannot even find a statement worth enough to follow that, so I shall leave you now to contemplate these heroes of the internet. God bless you, stupid creatures.

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