The Hell Butterfly

In Which I Stumble Upon The Failure of the Male Creation

Everybody has a flaw. It’s just a fact. There’s always something you do that irritates the tits off of somebody else. But the male species have a special talent for it. Obviously, I’m being satirical, but with solid evidence of the existence of the stultus masculus* it’s hard to believe otherwise. To be completely honest, it’s almost enough to make one give up on men entirely.

I’m speaking, of course, about the population of The Pond. I have been on this site but mere days, and yet I cannot help but notice how utterly pathetic some of the male members can be. There are some truly hideous attempts, some unfortunately lame-duck types, and others that, well, seem to like jumping to conclusions. Allow me to elaborate. Here are examples of some messages I have recently received:

The Lame Duck:

Hey.
What anime series are you into, and what games/ console are you into. Like my profile says I’ve recently just come out of a relationship. not really looking for anything long term yet, I really want to meet people and see how things go.
Hope to hear from you

Firstly, your opening statement should be a question. Where is your correct punctuation? Second, thanks very much for letting me know you’ve just come out of a relationship – I totally wanted to know all about your romantic fallout before I’ve even said hello. Not a great way to get me to respond. Also, you presume I have read your profile as you mention “as my profile says..” I take this as a referral to something already mentioned, ie that I have already viewed his page and he is merely referring to the past occurrence. I have not looked at his page. I also do not plan to. Sorry.

The ‘CreakyLion’: Hello there! Read your profile and thought i might say hello! Hope your doing ok this weekend =]

Halt. Creaky Lion? What kind of name is that? What, is there a great jungle cat out there with arthritic knee joints? Though this is nice and pleasant, I also feel the need to facepalm. “Hello … I thought I might say hello”. Yes, I got that. Ow, wrong “you’re”. But pros for the smiley. No-one else has used the equals sign for eyes yet. However with no question to go off, I have nothing to say back here.

The Minimalist: Hey

Hey …… *Sigh*

The Speed Freak: Hey 🙂 just had a quick look through your profile and thought I’d send you a quick message. Anyway if you fancy a chat just send me a message back some time x

“Quick look” .. “Quick message”. Are you always doing thinks so swiftly? Do you have some kind of physical ailment, like Speed, where if you go below 50mph you’ll explode? I’m sorry Ramay, but if I’m going to respond to someone I would like to know they’ve done more than glance at my profile and scrawl a hasty message. Even reading it aloud sounds rushed. Go on, try it … See?

The Pessimist: Hey, so what’s the deal with the hats? What sort of films do you like? I am glad someone finds good grammar nice. I hate it when people type lik dis. Why even bother.

This is rude. Do you find this rude? I think this sounds rude. Just reading this brings down the black cloud of despair upon my brow. I do appreciate that he has standards in the grammatical sense, but seriously that it the only good thing about this. He makes it sound like my hat fetish is a bad thing and the whole tone brings me down just looking at it. I end with his own statement: why even bother?

The Happy-Go-Lucky:

Hiya, how is every little thing?

I had a gander at your profile & thought you seemed pretty cool (not to mention cute!)
So i wanted to say hi & talk a little more 🙂

So, this dude is chilled. He probably wrote this lying back in a hammock on the beach, hat over his eyes and blade of grass between his teeth. What a chill bloke he is! Honestly, this guy is so laid back I find it hard to fault this. Maybe this would get the attention of other girls, and maybe if I was serious about this dating malarkey I’d even be tempted myself, but for now I’ll settle for a mental high-five and leave him to his beach siesta.

The ‘Curious George’:

Hello

I liked your profile and would like to get chatting to you, to see how we fit together. So, hopefully we can start a conversation…

So, you have food issues? What do you mean by that? I have food issues, but I am just super fussy at eating, don’t know if it’s the same or similar with you? Also, Cheese staying in the fridge, is that a saying or a metaphor? If so, what does it mean? If not, I totally agree!

Context: I mentioned having food issues, and said this sentence on my profile: I’m a stickler for good grammar and believe cheese should stay in the fridge, so make the effort to hold a decent conversation and you’re on the right track.” To explain to y’all, by food issues I mean I can’t eat in public, and can’t cook or eat in front of anyone who isn’t my immediate family. It makes living at university quite difficult, as you might imagine. My record is 12 days without a solid meal. Yes, my issues can get that bad. As for the cheese comment, it was a metaphor, meaning don’t use any cheesy lines on me. It’s old, boring, and oftentimes smells of desperation. It should, as I say, stay in the fridge, so don’t bring it into our conversations. This fellow does seem awfully curious. He asks 5 questions in almost as many sentences. And some don’t even make sense. If he asks this many questions in an opening message I dread to think what will follow if I reply. I think we’ll leave this one be.

The Back-handed Complimenter: Hey how’re you? My names aaron. I’m very nearly 20. I read your profile and it made me chuckle a bit. I also love Comics, music and films. Would love to find out more about you and get to know you more, il look forward to your reply x

You read my profile and it made you chuckle? Um, quick tip mate, it wasn’t meant to be funny …

Now, here are some awkward conversation enders:

DFer:

Konnichiwa Megan! How are you? 🙂 x

Good afternoon. I’m well, thankyou. How are you?

Afternoon, glad you’re ok :). I’m not bad thanks. Just a little achey from the gym and annoyed that my kettle is broken 😦 no green tea for me today x

Um … I’m sorry for you..? Must be a huge shame to be denied your green tea after a gym session. Awkward.

Hayden:

Konbanwa! What would be your top honourable mentions for your favorite Anime’s ? 🙂

I would have to go with Bleach as my number one. D.Gray Man comes in close second though. How about yourself?

I spent a whole summer term watching Bleach dubbed. I skipped about 2 Bleach filler episodes though, irritated that it’s halted production anime wise..manga shall forever woddle on. Btoom is beautiful, and so is Devil Survivor 2.

Cue the tumbleweed. Okay great, he likes Bleach like me, but there’s no need to bring halted production into the matter. And um … “manga shall forever woddle on” … What? Awkward.

And the best beginning attempt, but another awkward stop:

Michael:

Hey there Megan,
I think you are a very interesting girl and I would love to get a chance to get to know you better. So to break the ice, if you could have a super power what would it be?
Hope to hear from you.
Best,
Michael
P.S.
You are seriously unbelievably cute. [Aww, bless. Very well written. This asks for a response.]

(Cue appropriately polite response)

Hi.

Aw, thankyou, I appreciate that. I think I’d like telepathy, but only if I could turn it off. It’s always good to talk but sometimes I think it would be nice to just know what’s going on in a person’s mind. But obviously if I couldn’t turn it off I think I’d go mad. That was quite a good ice-breaker, had to think about that one. How about you?

Ha, aw thanks again. It’s honestly nice to hear you think so 🙂

(And cue the less appropriate awkward following)

haha thanks, I’d go down the same sort of thing but where I could read peoples minds but also have the ability to change it too 🙂 it could come in handy for everything!!! I’m glad you appreciate the compliments as there are plenty more to follow, so what sort of thing are you looking for? and have you been up to much? 🙂

So, let me get this straight … you’d like the ability to change a person’s mind, just by sheer will-power? Isn’t that called manipulation? Doesn’t that give the user the ability to override consent? Perhaps he didn’t mean it so harshly, but that’s kind of what he’s suggesting here, right? Right? And to top it off, he assumes I’m going to speak to him again. Admittedly I gave him no reason to think I wouldn’t reply, but Conclusion Jumping was ruled out of the Olympics for a reason. Also, what does “what are you looking for?” refer to? I feel like I’m in a U2 song. I’m currently looking for the correct keys to type this post, earlier I was looking for something for lunch, later I’ll be looking for something to watch on television. Does this answer please you, Michael? If not, learn to be more specific. Yes, this is a dating site, but it is also true that if you “assume”, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.

Unfortunately, the awkwardness, stupidity, and discomfort that the male race seem to emit, and provoke alike, is not limited to opening messages or short conversations. No. It goes deeper than that. Let us therefore take the following example: Snappy. Remember him? Him and the others have one commonality – they are, at heart, men.

This is the hard one. Mostly because I’m metaphorically stranded in the middle of /snappy’s motorway. During rush hour. With him, I’ve sort of accidentally fallen into a bad position that is a little awkward, and complicated, to escape from. This is, in part, my fault, but I’d like to think the main fault lies with him. To clarify, he appears to believe there is a relationship forming between us already, and that I have agreed to it. This is the last message he sent me:

Haha yeah, I’m sure we’ll get along fine 🙂 [Ie. conversation will be smooth] Yes I have [been in a relationship]. don’t worry, we’ll go at your pace seeing as you haven’t been in one before, I’m not like the other guys out there (and I hope I get to show you that I’m not lying) and I’m one of the nice guys, I can only say that I know what some guys are like! Well you’ll have to show me the ones [the films] that you love one day as I haven’t heard of them! I don’t really have one [a favourite film] tbh, there’s quite a few including Black hawk down, Invincible and the Blind side, I love movies based on true stories. 🙂

He uses, more than once, the word “we’ll” meaning “will” in the definite sense, and not “might” in the potential sense. By this, he has already confirmed, in his own mind at least, that we will get along and we will move at a slow pace in our relationship. There is no relationship. I do not want a relationship with him. I can’t stress this enough. In his defence, I never used those particular words with him. I should have stated earlier on that I am not interested in that way. However I also didn’t give him any indication that I was interested. He has become the second, or even third, competitor in the Conclusion Jumping Olympics. I feel a little bad, as I’m forced to imagine whether he has received any kind of positive response to his previous messages to people. Am I the only one who has held a conversation with him? The only girl to not have shut him down from the off? Because, so far, he has assumed I’ll be going over to his at some point, and that I’ve already agreed to be in a relationship with him. Hold your proverbial horses, mate. I have agreed to no such thing. And now I have the painfully awkward task of trying to explain that to him. As with everything in life, blunt honesty will be the best option, but I have always struggled with blunt honesty. I beat around the bush, put things off, make excuses or even lie. I do everything I can to avoid just facing up to hard situations. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am today.

But I don’t see it as my fault. I blame Snappy. Just as I blame DFer and Hayden and The Pessimist and all the other blokes that I’ve come into contact with because in case it wasn’t obvious … I’m a woman, and I have done nothing wrong. Every conversation has gone downhill because of the other participant: the male. The stultus masculus.

Men .. I don’t get them.

 

*stultus masculus meaning “male idiot” according to Google

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