The Hell Butterfly

Back in the Saddle

Getting back into something you haven’t done for some time is always hard. Not everything in life can be as simple as riding a bike: fall down and graze your knees, cry into your oil stained jeans until you can stay upright, then stare into the distance with the support of your parents until you realise you can do it alone and then never forget how. If all things were this simple, one could argue the world would be far different to how it is now. We would never make mistakes because once we’d learned how to do everything, we would be able to do it, and do it right, from the second we learned how. In never making mistakes we would never learn to do things wrong, we would never grow. Sure, we would never make mistakes, but that’s a paradox. Without mistakes, we cannot learn to do things differently, and in turn we cannot improve. Once we have learned everything we cannot go wrong, and yet in doing everything right, we cannot know how to improve on the things we do wrong. We would never get anywhere.

But I digress. I am not getting back on a bike. If I were, I would be able to simply strap on my helmet, fix my gaze to the horizon and cycle to the ends of the earth. But where once I had reached a point where I had removed my stabilisers, pushed off in the firm grip of my support, and powered proudly on in solitary, I cannot simply get back on the saddle and know what to do. I need my support back. The stabilisers are going back on and I need those hands on my saddle to hold me upright.

Applying this analogy to the point I’m trying to make, I used to be good at blogging. I struggled at first but you, the readers, the fellow bloggers, were the support. Then for a time I was off, alone, good at what I did. But some things happened, life got in the way and I didn’t blog for a long time. And unlike the bike, I cannot just get back up and fly into the sunset. It’s going to take me some time to re-teach myself how to do it. But I know I have your support this time. Your proverbial hands gripping my saddle to hold me upright as I learn to blog again. For this, I thank you. You may not know you are holding me up, but you are. Just by reading this, blogging for yourself, doing what you do best, you are giving me the support I need to know that I can get back into this.

It’s going to take time, and it’s going to be hard, but I’m going to try. I’m going through some tough mental trials at the moment, and for a time my walls fell down. Instead of blogging I was making reparations to the internal structure of my head space. The cement is still drying, so there’s time enough yet for it to fall back down again, especially with the kicks that life is throwing at it. But I’m working on it. I feel secure enough now to know it’s time to get back on that bike and try again. Maybe I’ll find it easier than I thought it was, but likely it won’t be. But I’m trying, and that’s what counts. Only time and practice will tell.


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