The Hell Butterfly

Archive for July, 2014

An Amateur’s Look Into Martial Arts

There are few things on this planet I want more than to live in the fictional world created in Bleach. And I’ve found a way to do that: martial arts. I have been researching what martial arts would suit me, and I won’t pretend to be an expert, but in my hour of research there are certain things I’ve learned.

First and foremost, the one art I know I want to take part in: Kendo. The way of the sword. The Soul Reapers all fight with zanpakuto, and I want so badly to be a Soul Reaper. I am in love with the notion of being a sword-fighter, wield a zanpakuto like a true Japanese warrior. It’s my dream. And what better way to learn to be a Soul Reaper than to first learn how to use a sword. Now I’m not stupid, I know Kendo is more than that. It is an art form. It is not merely a way to fight, it is an entire way of thinking. The etiquette surrounding Kendo is so much more sophisticated than many other martial arts. More formal. This is part of why I love it. I’ve never had a single session, but the premise is massively appealing to me. It’s not based in raw power, straight attacking your opponent with a blade. It’s about focused, controlled, art.

So, I’ve decided I want to do Kendo. But I’d like to be able to pair it with a non-weapons based martial art. Something that I could utilise in a real-life. Something I could get fit with and use as both a health kick and a bit of fun. Through my research I also decided I wanted to do something founded in Japan, to compliment the Kendo. That rules out Wing Chun. A striking Chinese art made famous by Bruce Lee – or so my bestie told me. The good thing about this is the striking part. Allow me to expand.

There are a couple different focuses in martial arts, and the two main ones are striking and grappling. Grappling is more to do with chokes and knee-locks, or so says Wikipedia. Some Japanese arts based in grappling are Jujitsu, Aikido and Judo. now these re in order of least to most in their focus on grappling. Jujitsu is a close combat martial art, 50/50 striking and grappling. I have heard this is a good one for shorter people as it focuses on getting up close and personal with your opponent. Next comes Aikido. This is one I considered as it is more ideal for my height, but I don’t like the grappling side of it, plus there is a particular aspect I’m not a fan of. Aikido uses the opponents attacks and force against them. It focuses on redirection to deflect attacks, and is not designed to hurt your opponent. In fact it’s quite the opposite. It is a martial art that works with softness. To be honest, I’d quite like to be able to hurt my foe. It’s just a little fantasy of mine, I just want to hit someone. Yes, I said it.

But moving on.

Judo is the art mostly focused on grappling. It is full contact and the intention is to throw down and pin your opponent. At least, again, according to Wikipedia. This is the least suitable to me, as it is all close combat, chokes and all the kinds of stuff I don’t want to do. I imagine Sumo is fairly similar to this, even though Sumo was never intended for battle.

During my research I did come across another weapons based martial art, founded in Japan, that looked very cool. It is the equivalent of Bleach’s Quincey: the way of the bow. This is called Kyodo. Like Kendo it focuses on a weapon, except instead of a sword, or shinai, it is to teach the art of the bow and arrow. Someone looking to get into a martial art, but likes weaponry rather than hand-to-hand, this is for you. Also, anyone with an interest in Archery might enjoy this Japanese art.

However as I already have my heart set on becoming a Soul Reaper, Kendo it is. And I don’t want to divide my attention between two weaponry arts. Instead, I look now towards other Japanese arts that have a focus on striking. I already ruled out Aikido because of the whole, can’t hurt people thing, plus the occasional focus on grappling, so naturally this leads to one art that suits my every requirement: purely striking; founded in Japan; formal, but not too formal; suitable for my height; works with my leg strength and builds my lack of arm strength; keeps me fit but is fun. Yes, you probably guessed it. Drum roll please …..

Karate.

I used to do Karate. Well, I did it for 6 weeks about 8 years ago. I still remember some of it though, even if I still haven’t mastered the “wishy-washy” as me and my sister called it. I never got the uniform, and never tried for a belt, but it was fun and I took it for granted. It will play to my strength,that being that my legs are a bunch stronger than my arms, and will maybe give me some measurable upper body and arm strength. And a bonus is that Karate is one of the most popular martial arts, so it should be quite easy to find a school. But this is also a downside, as it might be hard to determine the quality of the school. There may be many that are not genuine, or are cult-based, or have certain issues with contracts. For this I recommend always asking about a free lesson. I discovered on my travels across the interweb that most, if not all, of the martial arts schools should offer a free session, and it is recommended you go to one. If the school doesn’t offer one, move on. It’s a good way to assess the quality of the teaching and the standards of the students, and of what the teachers ask of you.

I want to get fit, have fun, and be the human equivalent of a Soul Reaper. Kendo will teach me the way of the sword, and Karate will teach me how to defend myself without a weapon. It is self defense, attack, and pure delight wrapped in one. I can be Toshiro with my sword, and Soi Fon of the Stealth Force’s Punishment Squad with my physical body. I can protect myself and have a fucking riot doing it. So I will be looking over the next year for Kendo and Karate classes, whilst keeping up with my uni work and my new job at the online magazine The Unknowledgeable. That’s right, you read that. I recently got given a position as a writer for a magazine. I’m yet to submit my first article, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m also looking at joining the Plymouth University Baking Society. So I can beat people up, write an article on it, then go bake cakes and sell them on the street. All this while trying to find paid employment. The next year will be interesting.

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More Adventures in the Pond

For a time it went quiet: no hellos, no creepy messages, no bog standard how are you’s. I was starting to wonder if the fun times were up. But I’ve struck gold. Seriously, I have hit the mother-load this last week and I have been so shocked, annoyed and amused that it’s made my choice to join the site almost worth it.

Let’s begin with the lexical-scrap I had with AviationFan. Now, bare in mind when you read the conversation I’m about to copy here that he started this. He sent the first message, and I am still, after constant reading, unable to comprehend what the original point of it was.

AF: Cringe

Β 

Me: cringe (verb): to shrink in fear or embarrassment; to cower; to behave with servility; to fawn.

Definition courtesy of The Geddess & Grosset English Dictionary.

Β 

AF: Well done, you have read my mind! That is exactly what I was saying; you’re profile picture you are doing so!

Β 

Me: Due to your inability to use the correct version of “you’re” I am unable to process this message.

Β 

AF: Blame auto correct not me! I have A-level English language!

Now, after seeing this, can any one of you explain to me what he meant? Because I’m fucked if I know what this ass-hat was trying to say. I think he was trying to insult me, but I really can’t be sure. I’m more confused than annoyed. Plus, I was too busy smirking at my retorts to put too much stock in his words. Whatever, mate. Piss off back to The Pond.

But that’s just the tip of the glittering iceberg. Today I received a message so obscure I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. My sister gave me a weird look because it was so random. I just couldn’t control it, the giggles just erupted. I have heard some strange stuff in my time in K! Dating, and some odd things on PoF too, but this has taken the proverbial cake, gold star and every other winner’s trophy you can think of. This is what it said:

hello
if u were sitting down near some broken machines and then you realized that u had been accidentally sitting on my face coz i was trapped under the machines what wud u do? wud u help me? 😦

I can’t even … Just re-reading the first few words makes the grin spread across my face once more. This is fuckin’ brilliant. I can’t even respond in a witty way because this is just too ridiculous for words. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at an online dating message, and yes I am including the bloke who liked “women who frolic in fields and wear pretty summer dresses”. I just … the tears threaten behind my eyes as my ribs strain not to crack. It’s just too damn funny!

And the fun just kept coming at me this week. I really have found some terribly good shit whilst fishing this week. The next comes as a response (I hope) to my “cheese should stay in the fridge” metaphor. The following is the only thing he sent me. No previous message, no follow up comment. Just this:

I used to live with someone who kept their bread in the fridge and their eggs in the cupboard.

How does this genius expect me to reply to this bullshit? It’s comedy gold but on a dating site, not the best way to approach a girl. This made me smile so much I kept it in my Inbox for 3 days. It’s not quite as good as the previous one, as I think that will stay in my Inbox a lot longer, but it’s still pretty priceless.

And finally, a humour-filled attempt at actual conversation that I decided to ignore, but that gave me happy feels at the idiocy nonetheless. This last one comes courtesy of Rob_In_A_Box. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Hey there!
Your profile caught my eye-I enjoy sarcasm (more funny for other people as I take sarcasm literally sometimes-still doesn’t stop me using it!) and also believe that cheese should be stored in the fridge, however should be eaten at room temperature! Not sure on your belief…maybe keep cheese in the fridge and there it should remain haha.
Anyway if you don’t mind my cheese fanatics on a slice of sarcasm then hear from you sometime in the near-ish future?

Yours from the other side of the internet

I cannot even find a statement worth enough to follow that, so I shall leave you now to contemplate these heroes of the internet. God bless you, stupid creatures.


Four Down, Ten to Go

My parents have gone away to Tenerife for two weeks. They left four days ago, leaving myself and my younger (18) sister to our own devices. And I already want them to come home.

Being 3 years older than my sister, I’m supposed to be the responsible adult. I delegate the chores, make sure the sister’s fed an watered – though she’s old enough to do it herself – and I’m supposed to be the protector. If something goes wrong, I’m meant to fix it. If she gets scared or feels upset, I’m supposed to make it better. And normally, I’d have no problem. But not this time. Not this time.

When you look at the facts, the things that have tipped me over the edge are minor. To be specific there have been two minor issues. Spiders. Large ones. The first I drowned in the sink and, after some dry heaving and tears, I removed the body. The second ran across the front room last night, and I had a panic attack before I could kill it. As the responsible adult out of two people scared of spiders, it was supposed to be my job to deal with the situation. I stayed calm while she cried, I told her what to do to get her out of the situation, but when it came to the final step, I couldn’t do it.

I don’t remember the last time I was that scared.

It was my job to handle it and yet it was my sister wrapping her arms around me as I had a breakdown. And I don’t mean the kind of crying where tears fall from my eyes. I mean the kind of crying where I felt my insides cracking and the sobs were audible. It was suited more to someone grieving than to someone looking at a palm-sized spider. But I fell apart and I failed at my job.

It ran under the sofa – a large sofa so it could be anywhere – and in the panic I only just managed to communicate that I didn’t want to be downstairs. We went upstairs and shut ourselves in my sister’s bedroom, where I stayed all night until morning. I was too paranoid to even go to the toilet. It was sweltering, I slept in the clothes from the day before, but despite how uncomfortable I was I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Instead, I slept in her make-shift armchair and prayed for day.

Well, I say I slept. I didn’t, not really. We watched some tv and went to bed at about midnight. Two minutes after I turned the light out, I fell apart. I kept quiet enough for her not to notice, but I couldn’t stop. I cried for an hour and a half. It was the biggest panic attack I’ve had in almost two years. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I wish I could convey to you all just how terrified I was to be in the house. The only thing that kept me from getting my cash and some clothes, and jumping on a train to Plymouth was the knowledge that her bedroom door was almost completely sealed all around. The spider from downstairs may have been able to climb stairs, but it couldn’t get in. I spent most of that hour and a half freaking out. I could barely breathe, the duvet was drenched with my tears and it seemed every time I thought I’d calmed down, something struck in the back of my mind and the paranoia would send me straight back to terrified.

As I said earlier, I don’t remember the last time I was that scared.

I wanted my parents back. It took everything to not call them in the middle of the night and beg for them to come back early. It’s only another 10 days, but it’s still another 10 days. I can’t call them. I knew it and I still know it. I won’t ruin their holiday. I won’t tell them how scared I am just being in the house. I won’t tell them I want them to come home. I won’t ruin it for them. It’s not like it’ll help. I call them, they get on an early plane and lose their holiday time and money. I feel guilty. I call and they stay the full length but my Mum worries the whole time and can’t enjoy herself. The holiday is ruined anyway. I feel guilty. I can’t do it to them.

Yet saying that, I was tempted to up and leave in the middle of the night, leaving her alone. I could have taken her with me if we didn’t have the guinea pigs. We can’t transport them anywhere. The only option left is to get my other, older, sister to drive over, take the animals, and me and the younger one go to my place in Plymouth. I’m considering asking my sister how her boyfriend feels about spiders, because if he doesn’t mind them, I want them to stay here this weekend. They work during the week, but I don’t want to be alone. I’m not, but in terms of the responsible adult, I feel so isolated.

Right now, I’m sitting across the room in my new desk chair, not the sofa, with my feet up on the coffee table. I want to be as far away from the sofa as I can. It may not be there anymore, but I’m not taking that chance. All doors were shut overnight, so it must still be in the house. I’ve felt sick and overheated since last night. My skin is crazy hot, and my stomach is in knots. I keep looking towards the last known sighting area and I’m on edge, expecting any moment for it to run out. If I couldn’t deal with it last night, how can I do it today? I know my sister won’t do it. We’re equally scared of spiders but she wouldn’t do it. I’m in a mixed mind about this – yes I said I’m the responsible adult, but I would also appreciate some assistance in difficult situations.

Last night the only thing I could think about was what excuse I could give to leave the house today. Leave all day and not come back until I really had to. I thought of asking a friend out for coffee that I haven’t seen in years – and I don’t drink coffee. I thought about walking the 3 miles into town to window shop for hours – and I’m uncomfortable in crowded places. I thought about how many people I could call and have a panic attack over the phone to, but concluded I could call everyone on my contacts list and I would not feel any better for one reason: they wouldn’t come to the house. As I say, I don’t feel safe in my own home, and only another adult can change that.

It seems pathetic to be so shaken by such a small thing. But it’s happened. I’m rattled, I’m on edge and I’m so scared of being here I want to vomit. I’m trying to put on a brave face for my sister, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she can see through it. I don’t think she’s ever seen me break down quite like I did last night. I’m just trying my best to stay calm. It’s very hard. I just want my parents.

Ten days to go. I hope the spider’s gone, and stays gone. I hope no more show up. And I hope beyond anything else that I can hold it together until they get back from Tenerife.


Project Spotlight #7

So, hey, I haven’t done a Project Spotlight in a while. As y’all may know I don’t give these out lightly. But I do have a good cause this time to take the coveted Number 7 spot.

Today I am sharing with you a new blog that has a lot of potential. True, there isn’t much there right now, but I get the feeling this could be good. Below is a link to their blog, do go and check it out.

http://ndbambi182.wordpress.com/

I have a good feeling about this page, there is a nice focus on topic (comics, gaming, maybe politics and general rants) so anyone interested in those areas should definitely hit the doobly-doo.

Right now there isn’t much to say about it, but I would recommend y’all to keep an eye on it. It could be big and as current bloggers I’m sure you all remember the scary moment you begin and don’t know what you’re doing. So let’s throw some support behind this. I’m sure if we had someone supporting us from the start we’d have appreciated it.

So hit the link, check it out, and watch that space. Good things could come from it.

As for the future of The Hell Butterfly, I will try and keep up with posts but I’m in the process of working on another focus for this blog. When it started it was about writing, then as y’all may remember it was more personal and that seemed to work well, but recently I’ve had to rethink what I blog about. Don’t worry, my regular posts should keep coming, but don’t be surprised if some random posts come out every now and then. As my dissertation for uni is going to be about Young Adult Fiction I might try and do some posts on that, I’d be glad to hear your opinions on the topic. That’s about it for the update, so have a good day folks.

Write on.


Steve’s Music Mix – What Do You Know?

I haven’t done one of these in a whole and with it sitting there so temptingly on my Reader I couldn’t resist. Plus, this while PoF deal is annoying me right now. I’m leaving it be for a couple days in place of actual fun. So here we go, the Music Mix.

Here’s a reminder how it works:

Each week I will post 3 new questions so…

(1) Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle
(2) Say the questions aloud and press play
(3) Use the song title as your answers
(4) NO CHEATING

I know I can … I Know You Are But What Am I? – The Blackout

I can be a whiny, petty child. A sore loser. I’m the queen of lame retorts, but hell, at least I know it.

I know I can’t … Easy Skanking – Bob Marley

This is quite true. I know I can’t smoke drugs. I’ve never tried it so literally, I don’t know how. I also know I can’t take drugs, in the sense that no matter how tempting it seems at time, it’s not the wisest decision I’ll ever have made.

I know I might be able to … Changing – Saosin

Ah, an easy one. I can change. I know I can. This is also quite true. Everyone has the capacity to change, but me more than many.

So, in review, I’m petty, but I know what’s right and wrong, and can learn from this to improve myself. Only a short one today, but a good one nonetheless.


I Regret This

My head is heavy because of PoF. Who’d have thought it? Online dating is bringing back my depression. Fuck it. Fuck being too nice for my own good. Fuck wanting to be so polite I end up in bad situations I can’t get out of. Fuck having to try so hard. Fuck dating. Fuck pretending to date. Fuck pretending to want to. Fuck keeping up 6 different conversations with different topics and different tones. Fuck everything.

I did this for fun. I did this so I could have something interesting to talk about on my blog and all it’s doing is winding me up, creeping me out, and dragging myself through shit for the sake of this piece of shit website. I’m done. I regret it so, fucking much. I have people wanting to read my blog, when I’ve mentioned them in posts. I have people assuming I’m going to trust them enough after 2 days to go over to their fucking house and jump into a relationship with them. I don’t need this bullshit.

Fuck you, Plenty of Fish. You suck so hard.


In Which I Stumble Upon The Failure of the Male Creation

Everybody has a flaw. It’s just a fact. There’s always something you do that irritates the tits off of somebody else. But the male species have a special talent for it. Obviously, I’m being satirical, but with solid evidence of the existence of the stultus masculus* it’s hard to believe otherwise. To be completely honest, it’s almost enough to make one give up on men entirely.

I’m speaking, of course, about the population of The Pond. I have been on this site but mere days, and yet I cannot help but notice how utterly pathetic some of the male members can be. There are some truly hideous attempts, some unfortunately lame-duck types, and others that, well, seem to like jumping to conclusions. Allow me to elaborate. Here are examples of some messages I have recently received:

The Lame Duck:

Hey.
What anime series are you into, and what games/ console are you into. Like my profile says I’ve recently just come out of a relationship. not really looking for anything long term yet, I really want to meet people and see how things go.
Hope to hear from you

Firstly, your opening statement should be a question. Where is your correct punctuation? Second, thanks very much for letting me know you’ve just come out of a relationship – I totally wanted to know all about your romantic fallout before I’ve even said hello. Not a great way to get me to respond. Also, you presume I have read your profile as you mention “as my profile says..” I take this as a referral to something already mentioned, ie that I have already viewed his page and he is merely referring to the past occurrence. I have not looked at his page. I also do not plan to. Sorry.

The ‘CreakyLion’: Hello there! Read your profile and thought i might say hello! Hope your doing ok this weekend =]

Halt. Creaky Lion? What kind of name is that? What, is there a great jungle cat out there with arthritic knee joints? Though this is nice and pleasant, I also feel the need to facepalm. “Hello … I thought I might say hello”. Yes, I got that. Ow, wrong “you’re”. But pros for the smiley. No-one else has used the equals sign for eyes yet. However with no question to go off, I have nothing to say back here.

The Minimalist: Hey

Hey …… *Sigh*

The Speed Freak: Hey πŸ™‚ just had a quick look through your profile and thought I’d send you a quick message. Anyway if you fancy a chat just send me a message back some time x

“Quick look” .. “Quick message”. Are you always doing thinks so swiftly? Do you have some kind of physical ailment, like Speed, where if you go below 50mph you’ll explode? I’m sorry Ramay, but if I’m going to respond to someone I would like to know they’ve done more than glance at my profile and scrawl a hasty message. Even reading it aloud sounds rushed. Go on, try it … See?

The Pessimist: Hey, so what’s the deal with the hats? What sort of films do you like? I am glad someone finds good grammar nice. I hate it when people type lik dis. Why even bother.

This is rude. Do you find this rude? I think this sounds rude. Just reading this brings down the black cloud of despair upon my brow. I do appreciate that he has standards in the grammatical sense, but seriously that it the only good thing about this. He makes it sound like my hat fetish is a bad thing and the whole tone brings me down just looking at it. I end with his own statement: why even bother?

The Happy-Go-Lucky:

Hiya, how is every little thing?

I had a gander at your profile & thought you seemed pretty cool (not to mention cute!)
So i wanted to say hi & talk a little more πŸ™‚

So, this dude is chilled. He probably wrote this lying back in a hammock on the beach, hat over his eyes and blade of grass between his teeth. What a chill bloke he is! Honestly, this guy is so laid back I find it hard to fault this. Maybe this would get the attention of other girls, and maybe if I was serious about this dating malarkey I’d even be tempted myself, but for now I’ll settle for a mental high-five and leave him to his beach siesta.

The ‘Curious George’:

Hello

I liked your profile and would like to get chatting to you, to see how we fit together. So, hopefully we can start a conversation…

So, you have food issues? What do you mean by that? I have food issues, but I am just super fussy at eating, don’t know if it’s the same or similar with you? Also, Cheese staying in the fridge, is that a saying or a metaphor? If so, what does it mean? If not, I totally agree!

Context: I mentioned having food issues, and said this sentence on my profile: I’m a stickler for good grammar and believe cheese should stay in the fridge, so make the effort to hold a decent conversation and you’re on the right track.” To explain to y’all, by food issues I mean I can’t eat in public, and can’t cook or eat in front of anyone who isn’t my immediate family. It makes living at university quite difficult, as you might imagine. My record is 12 days without a solid meal. Yes, my issues can get that bad. As for the cheese comment, it was a metaphor, meaning don’t use any cheesy lines on me. It’s old, boring, and oftentimes smells of desperation. It should, as I say, stay in the fridge, so don’t bring it into our conversations. This fellow does seem awfully curious. He asks 5 questions in almost as many sentences. And some don’t even make sense. If he asks this many questions in an opening message I dread to think what will follow if I reply. I think we’ll leave this one be.

The Back-handed Complimenter: Hey how’re you? My names aaron. I’m very nearly 20. I read your profile and it made me chuckle a bit. I also love Comics, music and films. Would love to find out more about you and get to know you more, il look forward to your reply x

You read my profile and it made you chuckle? Um, quick tip mate, it wasn’t meant to be funny …

Now, here are some awkward conversation enders:

DFer:

Konnichiwa Megan! How are you? πŸ™‚ x

Good afternoon. I’m well, thankyou. How are you?

Afternoon, glad you’re ok :). I’m not bad thanks. Just a little achey from the gym and annoyed that my kettle is broken 😦 no green tea for me today x

Um … I’m sorry for you..? Must be a huge shame to be denied your green tea after a gym session. Awkward.

Hayden:

Konbanwa! What would be your top honourable mentions for your favorite Anime’s ? πŸ™‚

I would have to go with Bleach as my number one. D.Gray Man comes in close second though. How about yourself?

I spent a whole summer term watching Bleach dubbed. I skipped about 2 Bleach filler episodes though, irritated that it’s halted production anime wise..manga shall forever woddle on. Btoom is beautiful, and so is Devil Survivor 2.

Cue the tumbleweed. Okay great, he likes Bleach like me, but there’s no need to bring halted production into the matter. And um … “manga shall forever woddle on” … What? Awkward.

And the best beginning attempt, but another awkward stop:

Michael:

Hey there Megan,
I think you are a very interesting girl and I would love to get a chance to get to know you better. So to break the ice, if you could have a super power what would it be?
Hope to hear from you.
Best,
Michael
P.S.
You are seriously unbelievably cute. [Aww, bless. Very well written. This asks for a response.]

(Cue appropriately polite response)

Hi.

Aw, thankyou, I appreciate that. I think I’d like telepathy, but only if I could turn it off. It’s always good to talk but sometimes I think it would be nice to just know what’s going on in a person’s mind. But obviously if I couldn’t turn it off I think I’d go mad. That was quite a good ice-breaker, had to think about that one. How about you?

Ha, aw thanks again. It’s honestly nice to hear you think so πŸ™‚

(And cue the less appropriate awkward following)

haha thanks, I’d go down the same sort of thing but where I could read peoples minds but also have the ability to change it too πŸ™‚ it could come in handy for everything!!! I’m glad you appreciate the compliments as there are plenty more to follow, so what sort of thing are you looking for? and have you been up to much? πŸ™‚

So, let me get this straight … you’d like the ability to change a person’s mind, just by sheer will-power? Isn’t that called manipulation? Doesn’t that give the user the ability to override consent? Perhaps he didn’t mean it so harshly, but that’s kind of what he’s suggesting here, right? Right? And to top it off, he assumes I’m going to speak to him again. Admittedly I gave him no reason to think I wouldn’t reply, but Conclusion Jumping was ruled out of the Olympics for a reason. Also, what does “what are you looking for?” refer to? I feel like I’m in a U2 song. I’m currently looking for the correct keys to type this post, earlier I was looking for something for lunch, later I’ll be looking for something to watch on television. Does this answer please you, Michael? If not, learn to be more specific. Yes, this is a dating site, but it is also true that if you “assume”, you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.

Unfortunately, the awkwardness, stupidity, and discomfort that the male race seem to emit, and provoke alike, is not limited to opening messages or short conversations. No. It goes deeper than that. Let us therefore take the following example: Snappy. Remember him? Him and the others have one commonality – they are, at heart, men.

This is the hard one. Mostly because I’m metaphorically stranded in the middle of /snappy’s motorway. During rush hour. With him, I’ve sort of accidentally fallen into a bad position that is a little awkward, and complicated, to escape from. This is, in part, my fault, but I’d like to think the main fault lies with him. To clarify, he appears to believe there is a relationship forming between us already, and that I have agreed to it. This is the last message he sent me:

Haha yeah, I’m sure we’ll get along fine πŸ™‚ [Ie. conversation will be smooth] Yes I have [been in a relationship]. don’t worry, we’ll go at your pace seeing as you haven’t been in one before, I’m not like the other guys out there (and I hope I get to show you that I’m not lying) and I’m one of the nice guys, I can only say that I know what some guys are like! Well you’ll have to show me the ones [the films] that you love one day as I haven’t heard of them! I don’t really have one [a favourite film] tbh, there’s quite a few including Black hawk down, Invincible and the Blind side, I love movies based on true stories. πŸ™‚

He uses, more than once, the word “we’ll” meaning “will” in the definite sense, and not “might” in the potential sense. By this, he has already confirmed, in his own mind at least, that we will get along and we will move at a slow pace in our relationship. There is no relationship. I do not want a relationship with him. I can’t stress this enough. In his defence, I never used those particular words with him. I should have stated earlier on that I am not interested in that way. However I also didn’t give him any indication that I was interested. He has become the second, or even third, competitor in the Conclusion Jumping Olympics. I feel a little bad, as I’m forced to imagine whether he has received any kind of positive response to his previous messages to people. Am I the only one who has held a conversation with him? The only girl to not have shut him down from the off? Because, so far, he has assumed I’ll be going over to his at some point, and that I’ve already agreed to be in a relationship with him. Hold your proverbial horses, mate. I have agreed to no such thing. And now I have the painfully awkward task of trying to explain that to him. As with everything in life, blunt honesty will be the best option, but I have always struggled with blunt honesty. I beat around the bush, put things off, make excuses or even lie. I do everything I can to avoid just facing up to hard situations. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am today.

But I don’t see it as my fault. I blame Snappy. Just as I blame DFer and Hayden and The Pessimist and all the other blokes that I’ve come into contact with because in case it wasn’t obvious … I’m a woman, and I have done nothing wrong. Every conversation has gone downhill because of the other participant: the male. The stultus masculus.

Men .. I don’t get them.

 

*stultus masculus meaning “male idiot” according to Google