The Hell Butterfly

Music May #20: Young Guns – You Are Not (Basingstoke Week)

It’s been a while since I was so upset it felt like something was cracking inside my chest. The kind of upset where your every fibre is tensed to the point that any slight movement could shatter everything. The kind of upset where the only thing holding you together as you fall apart inside are your own arms cementing your body into place while the sobs threaten to break the foundations you’ve laid.

I have no right to be this upset over it, but I am. I’m angry, I’m upset and I’m confused. This is partly the reason I didn’t post yesterday. I’ll put a Young Guns track at the end of today’s post to make up for it, but for the moment I just need to talk. I’ve already said this to my best friend and to my webcam as I tried my hand at vlogging (probably not going to happen again). But it’s not enough. I didn’t want to whine too much to my friend so didn’t go into detail and elaborate on what’s getting to me, and I lost track of my own thoughts in trying to explain it out loud to a camera. But here, where time and words are my friends, and you the reader on the receiving end to read all the way to the end – I’d hope – I can finally try and explain why this small thing that I have no right to be so distraught over has gotten me so worked up.

Remember the post I put a few days ago about the text message I received from M24?  The one that said “I really wanted to kiss you when I was saying bye to you at the station but got scared … Just thought I’d tell you”. Well, you may remember I was conflicted over this. Firstly, shock. I never saw it coming. Relief that he hadn’t tried on the day as I know I’d have flinched and accidentally offended him. Appreciative that he didn’t make a move but had chosen to tell me afterwards. Confused as to why he’d want to and whether I thought I wanted to myself. After this message we exchanged texts for a short while, then at half midnight he didn’t reply to my message. I put this down to his having fallen asleep.

The next day, having worked myself up by scaring myself into thinking I was going to mess everything up, I still hadn’t heard back from him. Eventually I messaged, we talked for a bit, and I was actually quite angry that day. I was still a little upset from the night before as well as still being confused, and then on top of that my sister wound me up so much I could have cried out of frustration. I wanted to speak to M24. A few texts later it hit 8pm, and once again he didn’t respond. Mid conversation he simply vanished. It was unlikely he had fallen asleep that early, but I assumed he’d been busy.

This was Thursday night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not text me once.

He recently added me on Facebook, and therefore when I am online I can see if he is. On more than one occasion he was online at the same time as me. He posted pictures and statuses while I was online, so he was obviously around this week. He even Liked my status about the cake I made yesterday. And yet not once did he text or Facebook message me so much as a smiley face.

I don’t want to be the one who always says hello first. I don’t want to always be the one starting the conversation. If somebody wants to speak to me, is it not only fair that they start the conversation every now and then? I’ve been that person all my life and I’m sick of it. I give and I give and I never get back. This time I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want M24 to think that if he doesn’t speak to me in 5 days it’s okay because I’ll still talk to him. But at the same time, I don’t want him to think I don’t want to talk to him. I do. I do want to talk to him. I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me because otherwise, if he did, he’d have text, right? Yet at the same time, maybe he’s thinking the exact same thing. I haven’t text him since Thursday and I haven’t messaged him on Facebook either. So maybe he’s thinking I don’t want to talk to him and is therefore choosing not to bother texting. Maybe he’s thinking, just like me, that if he texts first he’ll seem desperate or pushy or clingy.

In all fairness though, he has no reason to think I don’t want to talk to him, yet I have every reason to think he doesn’t want to speak to me. This isn’t the first time he’s dropped out mid conversation, or neglected to text in a couple of days. It has never been as long as this before, but it has happened in a similar fashion. I always respond to every text of his. Even if it comes with an apology for not responding sooner or one for not being able to text again. He often leaves me hanging. I hate it.

Here is my dilemma. It’s not like we’re an item. He’s not my boyfriend and therefore had no obligations to respond to me. And even if he was, there is no law stating that going a few days without a text is unforgivable. But I’m so mad. How can he go from telling me he wanted to kiss me, to not speaking to me for 5 days? Why, when at the start he used to text me during work and always let me know when he was leaving so I wasn’t waiting for a response, can he not even send me a ‘hello’ when we’re both online? It’s a simple thing, yet so infuriating. There’s nothing stopping him from dropping me a line, seeing as he never responded to me and so is by default his turn to text. But at the same time it makes me mad that I’m so mad about it. What gives me the right to demand a message from him? It’s only been 5 days. It’s not like he’s been gone for months. And yet I can’t help but be upset by it. I’m mad at him and mad at myself and mad at the whole situation.

I’ve just started getting my head around the whole ‘he wants to kiss me’ thing. It’s beginning to be a less terrifying concept and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that wanted it to happen. I know that during that conversation I got so involved in my own problems that I glossed over the part where he said he was scared. I’m aware of this now. I should have asked him why he was scared. I shouldn’t have focused on me, especially as the resulting conversation basically said “thanks for being a wimp as it got me off the hook”. I promise, that was not my intention. This is something I want to talk to him about. I want to apologise for not taking it into account before and see if he’s willing to elaborate for me, let me in a bit. But like I said earlier, I don’t want to have to be the one that starts every conversation. It’s hard work. Some may not see it that way, but as fellow introverts will understand, it’s exhausting. I want to see him again, I want to speak to him so badly, and yes I will admit I’m warming to the idea of kissing him. It’s weird to admit to myself, and weirder still to admit it to you, but it’s true. But must I be the one to start that ball rolling every time? Is it too much to ask that he does his fair share of pushing?

As I sit here, typing this, I can see my phone in my peripherals. I’m itching to grab it and text, but you know why I don’t want to. But at the same time, if he really is thinking I don’t want to speak to him, would delaying any longer actually do further damage? Do I joke around with him or tell him outright I wish he’d have spoken to me sooner? It’s his day off today and has been online today. Online on his phone. So he could easily have text. But he didn’t.

It’s an endless cycle:

He doesn’t text me.
I get mad a him.
I get mad at myself for getting mad at him.
I think about texting.
I remember the feeling of always being the giver and don’t text him.
I manage to ignore it for a while.
I stare at my phone wanting to talk to him.
I worry he doesn’t want to talk to me and hope he’ll text soon.
He doesn’t text me.

And so it continues.

I’m currently leaning towards texting him. I know I said I don’t want to be the one who does it all the time, but if I don’t say something who knows when – or even if – he’ll speak to me again? I have no right to get angry at him for not talking to me, and I have no rational reason to get so upset over the thought that he doesn’t want to speak to me that I spend my night switching between tears and failed attempts at sleep. Last night I stayed downstairs to watch tv, and cried at least three times. I was too exhausted to go upstairs so I stayed on the sofa and tried to sleep. I finally managed 90 minutes between half 5 and 7am. My Mum asked me this morning why I couldn’t sleep. I said my sleep pattern was off (which it was). She then asked if there was anything on my mind keeping me awake. There was – there was this post. Everything I’ve said so far was going through my head all night. But I couldn’t tell her that. It seemed so lame, so petty. Not something I should be losing sleep over.

I’ve put questions on this blog before and nobody has ever responded with an answer, but this time if someone is reading this and has any advice, I’d be glad for another opinion. Am I being stupid? Am I getting worked up over nothing? Should I wait and see if he says something, or bite the bullet and cave myself? I’ve never had such a close relationship with a guy before. I know what we have – if I can say we have anything at all – is minimal at best, but it’s more than I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose him. What I do want is for him to say hello and ask how I am. I want to ask him about work and if his weather is better or worse than mine. I want to know when he’ll see his nieces next and tell him about my day. I want to ask why he was scared to kiss me that day and if he’d ever consider trying if I told him I’d be comfortable with it. I don’t want to watch a couple holding hands on tv and yearn for him to hold mine. I don’t want to be in pain worrying whether I’m blowing it by being stubborn or whether I’ve already blown it by not considering his feelings sooner. I know some people will see this and think this is just young love making me do the wacky, and perhaps those people are right, but I’m just a girl having never experienced anything close to a relationship and wishing so hard that it’ll work out.

I’d hoped there’d be an easier transition into today’s nightcore video, but there isn’t. So here it is, Young Guns with You Are Not (Lonely). This is one of my favourite Young Guns tracks, even if the video is a little confusing.


4 responses

  1. Before I forget, thanks for the videos! I wasn’t familiar with Young Guns but I really like the song, so thanks.

    Young love…if I only knew then what I knew now, well, I’m sure I’d still ignore the advice. That’s the thing about youth and love; sometimes you just have to fumble until you get it right. It sucks but it’s life.

    My first piece of advice though would be to talk to your mother. Believe it or not, she was once young like you and once in love/like/infatuation or whatever. She’s been there and done that. I don’t know you so I can’t say for sure but usually we end up with some sort of aversion to our parents’ choices, even if they are great parents. That’s life too. But she clearly wants to be of help to you. It’s not easy being a grown-up and even harder to be a parent. That job gets even worse when your child(ren) become teenagers. With any luck, things will smooth out later and one day you will actually grow to respect your mother, regardless of her supposed bad decisions (unless they were REALLY bad but I guessing that they weren’t; you’re still talking).

    Okay, now that that bit is out of the way, I saw a movie quite some time ago that distills the essence of men down to a short line. I managed to find a link to that scene on YouTube and if you have the time, I also discovered that you can watch it for free online. First, here’s the YouTube linkk:

    I didn’t watch the whole thing; the important part was already said by the thirty second mark. If you Google “Six Days, Seven Nights” you’ll find links to watch the movie too (if you are interested).

    Show up and they are interested. That’s it. You don’t have to show up because they asked you or because you even know them; if you are in their vicinity, guys will notice you. If we were all taught this when we are young, it would save us some trouble. My advice? Ignore every single movie, TV show, magazine, website or whatever that tells you to wear this, dress this way, act this way, buy this, etc. You don’t need it. The faster you realize that and just start focusing on you and what you want, the better your life will become. Because everyone else is simply trying to sell you something. Hair care products, make up (unless you have really bad skin, you don’t need it. If you have really bad skin, drink lots of plain water, eat healthy, fresh fruits and vegetables and avoid fast food like the plague), fashion, shoes, cars…the list is endless and all of these things are people trying to tell you what you need to “be cool” but the ONLY thing you need to be cool is yourself.

    You probably won’t believe me but it’s true. Trust me; I spent decades trying to figure this stuff out, ignoring my gut instincts, marrying the oh-so-wrong guy and turning around to see that what I knew when I was in my teens–what I wanted then–was what I should have done back then. I would have gotten somewhere I really wanted to go. Instead, I worried about doing what other people thought that I should do. And I didn’t trust my senses. Your senses are there for a reason. They warn us of dangers that we cannot “think” to predict because our senses are more primal than our thinking brain. That’s why as “thinking” creatures we try to dismiss what our instincts are telling us. Don’t ever ignore your gut, no matter what. It might cause someone else to laugh at you because you are “chicken” but better a live chicken then a dead duck. Heed those words, please.

    I know some of the pain of growing up as an introvert, and I’m really not that severe. I’m closer to the border of extrovert but I definitely do not do well in their environments; they make me want to seek shelter. Anyhow, “life” appears to be created for and about extroverts; ignore this. these are still more marketing ploys and have no real bearing on reality. All the “fun” those people are having in the movies, in advertising and on television is fake–those people are actors and they are being paid handsomely to look as if they are having fun–an important thing for you to remember. I know how desperate you are in your teens to fit in; don’t try because it will hurt you in the end. Just be yourself.

    I know you didn’t ask these particular questions but I also cannot answer them for you. Be true to yourself and never become so desperate for anyone’s attention that you feel you must grovel, debase yourself or otherwise do things that make you feel less good about yourself. Just don’t do it. If this boy (?) is also an introvert and scared, he might just need some time and space. If it’s meant to be, waiting will be worth it. But don’t make yourself wait with bated breath; the world is full of people — there are close to seven and a quarter BILLION people on the planet at this time; roughly half of them are male. I’m sure that if this one doesn’t work out, you won’t have any trouble finding one that will. Patience is key but I know that I’m talking to a teenager here and I do remember those days well.

    One last tidbit (I swear); I recently read somewhere (?) that scent is very important for mating (that is what attraction is about after all). I knew that but I didn’t realize the next bit. Apparently when you find a person’s scent unpleasant, they would not make a good mate for you. I wish that I’d known that before I got with my ex-husband–it might have saved me a lot of grief! The moral of that story: if you think you “like” someone but their scent repulses you, you need to move on. Go with the gut, the nose…basically any primative signals that something is off are the ones to follow.

    I hope that some or possibly all of this helps you out. Your mother sounds like she cares. I know that talking to your mother about personal things can be hard but she’s been there and done that years ago, give her a shot. Be honest and tell her that you’re uncomfortable discussing it (if you are) but you want her advice. I would hazard to guess that she knows you far better than I ever could.

    Good luck!

    May 20, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    • Thankyou for this, I really appreciate it. I never thought about it that way – that my Mum’s been through the same thing. It seems so obvious but I guess it just never occurred to me. So preoccupied with the obsession with independence, and I suppose not wanting to accept that I -can- talk to my parents about personal things. In the end I did decide to message him, and after a couple of vague texts he dropped out mid conversation again, and has since not spoken to me today. At this point I’m leaving the ball in his court and have decided not to say anything else until he does. I’m willing to – and have – put in the effort despite (or maybe to change?) my natural instinct to worry and back out/shy away. If he is like me (a likely possibility) then you may be right and he may just need time. I’ll leave it with him for now.

      I agree with your advice to ignore tv, movies and modern advertisements – I’m a bit of a walking contradiction in doing so as I’m so afraid of people judging me, but at the same time I ignore anything to do with fashion and make-up, and avoid magazines and reality tv like the plague. With the trusting my own gut instinct though, that’s where I have a problem – I wish I could but honestly I don’t know what my gut’s telling me. I suppose it’s like the head vs heart battle is drowning out the part of me telling me what I want to/should do. I really liked your phrasing though with “Don’t ever ignore your gut, no matter what. It might cause someone else to laugh at you because you are “chicken” but better a live chicken then a dead duck.” That makes so much sense. I shall indeed heed those words.

      I’m trying to tell myself the old phrase “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” but my track record combined with my self-confidence – or lack thereof – makes it hard to believe it. Perhaps one day I will, I hope. As I was typing this M24 text me. It says “You okay, sweetie?” That’s good, I guess. Would have been nice for him to answer my text last night but at least he said something without prompting today.

      We’ll see how it goes, but rest assured I’ll keep your advice in mind. I really appreciate it and you make some very good points. Don’t doubt that there’ll be an update on the situation at some point in the future – for some reason I can’t help but share every detail of my life on this blog.

      May 21, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    • Oh, and I forgot to add, I’m glad you like the Young Guns track. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten what date the post was but I do have another one of theirs from earlier this month. The entire album Bones is incredible. I’m glad I can introduce people to new music – it’s my passion (alongside writing, of course) so it makes me happy to be able to help people discover new things like this!

      May 21, 2014 at 7:59 pm

  2. First of all, I apologize that I can take so long to reply; this has not been a good week and that is putting it mildly. As I only have internet at home via my smartphone, I thought that I would wait to answer when I could get to a real computer/internet connection.

    As for the music, I bought my first iPod in 2005 or 2006 and I have essentially stopped listening to music now. I don’t watch TV and my lifelong aversion to talk radio and commercials make an iPod a dream come true. But…that also means “I don’t get out much” musically any more. 😉

    I am happy to hear that you will consider my advice. As I said, I don’t know you or your friend so I’m not exactly in the best position to offer advice here but I’ve been young and I’ve been “older” too. Young is better in some ways and older is bettter in others; enjoy what you have while you have it.

    I am especially encouraged to hear that you are at least considering talking to your mother. When I was a teenager I din’t have the best relationship with my Mom and it took me years to understand her as much as I do now. We have a good relationship but we still do not understand the other’s choices so well, but that’s life. Whether or not we like it, we get one mom and one dad so we need to appreciate them for who they are and what they do. In my case, I know that both of my parents loved me very much (my father has passed away) and I know that nothing they ever did, no matter how much I disagreed or resented it at the time, was ever meant to harm me. In fact, they always did what they thought was best to protect me. And that is one of the ways that I know they love(d) me.

    If you have a good relationsthip with your parents or even just one of them, make sure that you make an effort. Even when it seems like they aren’t trying or they’re doing all the wrong things, they usually mean well. And as a teenager, you worry them, believe me on that. It has probably always been the toughest time but there are so many dangers out there right now, especially with the internet. And with you sharing your life via your blog, this opens you up to even more vulnerability–be extremely careful. Never send strangers pictures, etc. All of my advice above pertains to this especially.

    I probaly sound like a parent too but I’m not. My best friend (since third grade) youngest just graduated last year so I know from her what things your parents go through, and from my perspective of growing up and what I went through with my own mother.

    You only have one mother; enjoy every bit of her as much as you can while you still can. Even though I had my father until he was seventy-seven (i was late), I still miss him now and wish her was still with me now.

    Good luck!

    May 23, 2014 at 12:38 am

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