Music May #20: Young Guns – You Are Not (Basingstoke Week)
It’s been a while since I was so upset it felt like something was cracking inside my chest. The kind of upset where your every fibre is tensed to the point that any slight movement could shatter everything. The kind of upset where the only thing holding you together as you fall apart inside are your own arms cementing your body into place while the sobs threaten to break the foundations you’ve laid.
I have no right to be this upset over it, but I am. I’m angry, I’m upset and I’m confused. This is partly the reason I didn’t post yesterday. I’ll put a Young Guns track at the end of today’s post to make up for it, but for the moment I just need to talk. I’ve already said this to my best friend and to my webcam as I tried my hand at vlogging (probably not going to happen again). But it’s not enough. I didn’t want to whine too much to my friend so didn’t go into detail and elaborate on what’s getting to me, and I lost track of my own thoughts in trying to explain it out loud to a camera. But here, where time and words are my friends, and you the reader on the receiving end to read all the way to the end – I’d hope – I can finally try and explain why this small thing that I have no right to be so distraught over has gotten me so worked up.
Remember the post I put a few days ago about the text message I received from M24? The one that said “I really wanted to kiss you when I was saying bye to you at the station but got scared … Just thought I’d tell you”. Well, you may remember I was conflicted over this. Firstly, shock. I never saw it coming. Relief that he hadn’t tried on the day as I know I’d have flinched and accidentally offended him. Appreciative that he didn’t make a move but had chosen to tell me afterwards. Confused as to why he’d want to and whether I thought I wanted to myself. After this message we exchanged texts for a short while, then at half midnight he didn’t reply to my message. I put this down to his having fallen asleep.
The next day, having worked myself up by scaring myself into thinking I was going to mess everything up, I still hadn’t heard back from him. Eventually I messaged, we talked for a bit, and I was actually quite angry that day. I was still a little upset from the night before as well as still being confused, and then on top of that my sister wound me up so much I could have cried out of frustration. I wanted to speak to M24. A few texts later it hit 8pm, and once again he didn’t respond. Mid conversation he simply vanished. It was unlikely he had fallen asleep that early, but I assumed he’d been busy.
This was Thursday night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not text me once.
He recently added me on Facebook, and therefore when I am online I can see if he is. On more than one occasion he was online at the same time as me. He posted pictures and statuses while I was online, so he was obviously around this week. He even Liked my status about the cake I made yesterday. And yet not once did he text or Facebook message me so much as a smiley face.
I don’t want to be the one who always says hello first. I don’t want to always be the one starting the conversation. If somebody wants to speak to me, is it not only fair that they start the conversation every now and then? I’ve been that person all my life and I’m sick of it. I give and I give and I never get back. This time I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want M24 to think that if he doesn’t speak to me in 5 days it’s okay because I’ll still talk to him. But at the same time, I don’t want him to think I don’t want to talk to him. I do. I do want to talk to him. I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me because otherwise, if he did, he’d have text, right? Yet at the same time, maybe he’s thinking the exact same thing. I haven’t text him since Thursday and I haven’t messaged him on Facebook either. So maybe he’s thinking I don’t want to talk to him and is therefore choosing not to bother texting. Maybe he’s thinking, just like me, that if he texts first he’ll seem desperate or pushy or clingy.
In all fairness though, he has no reason to think I don’t want to talk to him, yet I have every reason to think he doesn’t want to speak to me. This isn’t the first time he’s dropped out mid conversation, or neglected to text in a couple of days. It has never been as long as this before, but it has happened in a similar fashion. I always respond to every text of his. Even if it comes with an apology for not responding sooner or one for not being able to text again. He often leaves me hanging. I hate it.
Here is my dilemma. It’s not like we’re an item. He’s not my boyfriend and therefore had no obligations to respond to me. And even if he was, there is no law stating that going a few days without a text is unforgivable. But I’m so mad. How can he go from telling me he wanted to kiss me, to not speaking to me for 5 days? Why, when at the start he used to text me during work and always let me know when he was leaving so I wasn’t waiting for a response, can he not even send me a ‘hello’ when we’re both online? It’s a simple thing, yet so infuriating. There’s nothing stopping him from dropping me a line, seeing as he never responded to me and so is by default his turn to text. But at the same time it makes me mad that I’m so mad about it. What gives me the right to demand a message from him? It’s only been 5 days. It’s not like he’s been gone for months. And yet I can’t help but be upset by it. I’m mad at him and mad at myself and mad at the whole situation.
I’ve just started getting my head around the whole ‘he wants to kiss me’ thing. It’s beginning to be a less terrifying concept and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that wanted it to happen. I know that during that conversation I got so involved in my own problems that I glossed over the part where he said he was scared. I’m aware of this now. I should have asked him why he was scared. I shouldn’t have focused on me, especially as the resulting conversation basically said “thanks for being a wimp as it got me off the hook”. I promise, that was not my intention. This is something I want to talk to him about. I want to apologise for not taking it into account before and see if he’s willing to elaborate for me, let me in a bit. But like I said earlier, I don’t want to have to be the one that starts every conversation. It’s hard work. Some may not see it that way, but as fellow introverts will understand, it’s exhausting. I want to see him again, I want to speak to him so badly, and yes I will admit I’m warming to the idea of kissing him. It’s weird to admit to myself, and weirder still to admit it to you, but it’s true. But must I be the one to start that ball rolling every time? Is it too much to ask that he does his fair share of pushing?
As I sit here, typing this, I can see my phone in my peripherals. I’m itching to grab it and text, but you know why I don’t want to. But at the same time, if he really is thinking I don’t want to speak to him, would delaying any longer actually do further damage? Do I joke around with him or tell him outright I wish he’d have spoken to me sooner? It’s his day off today and has been online today. Online on his phone. So he could easily have text. But he didn’t.
It’s an endless cycle:
He doesn’t text me.
I get mad a him.
I get mad at myself for getting mad at him.
I think about texting.
I remember the feeling of always being the giver and don’t text him.
I manage to ignore it for a while.
I stare at my phone wanting to talk to him.
I worry he doesn’t want to talk to me and hope he’ll text soon.
He doesn’t text me.
And so it continues.
I’m currently leaning towards texting him. I know I said I don’t want to be the one who does it all the time, but if I don’t say something who knows when – or even if – he’ll speak to me again? I have no right to get angry at him for not talking to me, and I have no rational reason to get so upset over the thought that he doesn’t want to speak to me that I spend my night switching between tears and failed attempts at sleep. Last night I stayed downstairs to watch tv, and cried at least three times. I was too exhausted to go upstairs so I stayed on the sofa and tried to sleep. I finally managed 90 minutes between half 5 and 7am. My Mum asked me this morning why I couldn’t sleep. I said my sleep pattern was off (which it was). She then asked if there was anything on my mind keeping me awake. There was – there was this post. Everything I’ve said so far was going through my head all night. But I couldn’t tell her that. It seemed so lame, so petty. Not something I should be losing sleep over.
I’ve put questions on this blog before and nobody has ever responded with an answer, but this time if someone is reading this and has any advice, I’d be glad for another opinion. Am I being stupid? Am I getting worked up over nothing? Should I wait and see if he says something, or bite the bullet and cave myself? I’ve never had such a close relationship with a guy before. I know what we have – if I can say we have anything at all – is minimal at best, but it’s more than I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose him. What I do want is for him to say hello and ask how I am. I want to ask him about work and if his weather is better or worse than mine. I want to know when he’ll see his nieces next and tell him about my day. I want to ask why he was scared to kiss me that day and if he’d ever consider trying if I told him I’d be comfortable with it. I don’t want to watch a couple holding hands on tv and yearn for him to hold mine. I don’t want to be in pain worrying whether I’m blowing it by being stubborn or whether I’ve already blown it by not considering his feelings sooner. I know some people will see this and think this is just young love making me do the wacky, and perhaps those people are right, but I’m just a girl having never experienced anything close to a relationship and wishing so hard that it’ll work out.
I’d hoped there’d be an easier transition into today’s nightcore video, but there isn’t. So here it is, Young Guns with You Are Not (Lonely). This is one of my favourite Young Guns tracks, even if the video is a little confusing.