The Hell Butterfly

Kerrang! Chronicles: The Finale

With just 24 hours until they shut down my account for good (we hope) there’s time for one final facepalm at the crazies out there in the world of online dating.

As you’ll know if you saw my previous installments to this series, Kerrang! Dating is a crock o’ shit. It’s not worth the money. Sure, you can have a free account, but aside from log in you pretty much can’t do anything. So to get any use out of the site you have to pay £14.95 a month. Total. waste. of money. I ended up paying for three months because for month two, I was too lazy to get it cancelled, and for month three they decided to ignore my request to shut it down. So on the dollar-front it’s not worth its weight in gold, and being weightless due to being, you know, a website, that means it’s not worth the nothing that it is.

ImageI’ve become almost scared to look at the Who’s Viewed Me page. It seems I attract all the freaks. The last person that looked at my page seemed to be drugged up, and the person before that was practically gurning in his picture. I mean, c’mon dude. I’m sure it goes down well at parties but I wouldn’t want to kiss that face, would I? Funny though, not even the creepazoids took a second look. Not too bothered by this, but still, what does that say about me?

The Introductory messages haven’t gotten any better either. Here are some of the recent ones I have received, in all their shoddy, unedited glory:

A personality always makes big difference. Would love to have a girl with same mentality who respect

I am an Asian lad came UK to study and enlighten myself back in 2009. Work in a food industry as a Supervisor. I love being discipline, meeting people. I find ‘being honest’ is very easy!

Fair play for trying, mate.

hey there 😉

what can i say im down 2 earth guy, just a normal guy i suppose you know me once you get to know me lol.

“You know me when you get to know me” .. Well, duh

And possibly the only relatively normal one:

Are you the right girl for me

Hey my name’s max. Im looking for a nice decent girl who has a wild side also and likes having fun. I like going out or staying in. I like good food and good wine. I like working out and keeping fit. Im looking for a good healthy relationship but I like to party too. We can go to party’s or just have our own one. I would like to do what you like to do. Your welcome to message me and we can chat.

To be honest, aside from the missing apostrophes and the wrong use of ‘your’ this guy seems fairly normal. I think he’ll have the best chance of survival on that site.

In my personal experience there have been some weird ones. The 40-something that I had blocked because he Winked At me practically every day for a month,and then the 51 year old who took his place. The one who stereotyped my hobbies and insulted my career choice (though admittedly I don’t think he realised he did it). And then there was the one who sent me a message saying simply: “lets cure you of your addiction sugar”. I believe this was meant as a witty joke relating to my comment on my profile that I put too much sugar in my tea. But seriously, what possessed him to phrase it like that? Suffice to say I ignored that one.

There were some fun ones like the bloke who wanted “an enlightened girl who liked to frolic in fields and wear pretty summer dresses”. There were some half-decent attempts like the guy who wanted to protect the environment, yet went on about it a bit too much. Then there was a lot of repetition: ‘I don’t bite much/hard/unless you want me to’, ‘just looking for a nice girl’, ‘someone with similar interests’.

But it wasn’t a total loss. L was really nice to me for a while. Even though he decided to just stop emailing one day, he made for good conversation. He was a decent bloke. There was D who, despite being 35 and so not dating material for me, was game for a nice normal chat. Had he been ten years younger then his personality would have been up my street but I’m afraid I’m shallow when it comes to age. He was cool to talk to though. I wish those two all the best.

And then of course, there was M24. He is pretty much the only good thing to come from that site, and he told me the same thing about me. We’ve spoken almost every day for three months and, as you may be aware, we’re meeting up for the second time today. I managed to not mess it up the first time and he wants to see me again. And even if today doesn’t work out, it has still been a pretty sweet three months. Obviously though, we should all try and be optimistic about this. I like this guy. Like i said before, if he chooses to walk away I won’t stop him, but if he gets to the end of a second day with me and still wants to know me then that will be a much more preferable scenario. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.

What this experience has taught me is that A) People suck B) Some people are worth taking chances on C) Kerrang! Dating is the worst.

If you’re reading this and considering joining a dating site, do not join this one. I can’t give you any advice on others but I can, without a smidge of doubt, tell you that you will not regret leaving it be. Try Plenty of Fish, or Match, but don’t touch K! Dating with a barge pole.

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