The Hell Butterfly

Archive for May, 2014

Music May #23: Steve’s Music Mix – Third Edition

First a quick apology about the format/layout of this post. Something went wrong and now there’s a white box that I can’t erase and some weird line spacing issues. Sorry about that.

Definitely didn’t see this earlier this week, so while there’s still time, today’s Music May is all about memory.

Here’s a reminder how it works:

Each week I will post 3 new questions so…

(1) Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle
(2) Say the questions aloud and press play
(3) Use the song title as your answers

Title your post “Steve’s Music Mix – …” and link back to this week’s page.

I always remember … Istanbul – They Might Be Giants

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can’t go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That’s nobody’s business but the Turks

I never went to Constantinople, so I only remember it as Istanbul. In reality I’ve never been to either, but for the purpose of this post, let’s pretend I have. This can go either way. Either I’ll always remember Istanbul and not Constantinople, going off the title of the track. But going off the lyrics it means I’ll always remember Constantinople before it became Istanbul. In either case, I don’t know why it got the works: that’s nobody’s business but the Turks.
I always forget … Valerie – Ghost of the Robot
Um, yeah, so who’s Valerie? I don’t know a Valerie. Or do I? Maybe I do and I just can’t remember … Who’s Valerie?
I wish I could forget … Unlaced – Emilie Autumn
This is a bit of a scary track. I love a bit of violin shredding but Miss Autumn knows how to give you the creeps. It’s an incredible instrumental and she is wonderfully talented, but I wish I could forget it. Well, not true, but for the purpose of this post let’s say I do. Or perhaps, rather than wishing I could forget the actual track, maybe something is unlaced and I wish I could forget it. Maybe my shoes came untied and it’s all I can think about. Like OCD. They’re unlaced and it’s bothering me. I don’t know. If I remember correctly (pun not intended) this track was in one of the Saw movies. Perhaps that’s what I wish I could forget …
So I’ll always remember Constantinople/Istanbul yet I’ll never remember Valerie, poor gal. Must not have met her in Istanbul. But the one thing I wish I could forget is either the eerie electric violins, the fact something has become unlaced, or that god awful movie. This wasn’t such a good one for me this week, but I blame Spotify. Let’s hope for some better answers next time!

Music May #22: Evanescence – Missing

For some reason, though today has been a good day, I don’t have the energy or motivation to babble. Instead, here is a pencil drawing I did today alongside the original, and three videos. The man in the drawing is Kenpachi Zeraki, Squad 11 Captain, from Bleach. He loves fighting, and this drawing depicts the moment of pure joy when he finds an opponent strong enough to give him a run for his money. The track is Evanescence with Missing. I have three versions today: original, Nightcore and male. All are amazing as this is my favourite song of theirs, plus Amy Lee’s voice sounds incredible any way you swing it. Enjoy, my lovelies.Image


Music May #21: Halestorm – I Miss the Misery

I’m back in Plymouth, in the room I’ve grown to know so well with no light, my housemates trudging around the house, and my obsession with Facebook games back with a vengeance. That means the end of Basingstoke week, and the guarantee of a post today. I mean, c’mon. Be serious. What else was I going to do with my time now I don’t have a television? I’m just kidding, of course I’d do a post for you guys. I’m loyal that way. Most of the time…

I’m currently choosing to ignore how mad and upset I am over the M24 situation. Instead I’m just going to let it run its course and let what happens happen. For now, I’m just focusing my energy on the weekend ahead: fishing, crazy golf, ice-cream, sunshine, camping, hiking, climbing, bonding with my Dad. It’s going to be superb. I’ll take my camera so hopefully there will be updates and the inside scoop. I might not be taking my laptop though, so be prepared there may not be any posts over the weekend itself. Rest assured though there should be something by Monday.

In the mean time, here are some Halestorm tracks in regular, Nightcore, and male versions. Lzzy Hale is one heck of a badass rock chick. These days that label gets thrown around too much and incorrectly. A rock chick sings rock, exudes sass and lives to not give a fuck about the haters. And that is exactly what Lzzy Hale is all about. She has a voice like no other female vocalist and the fiery tenacity to pull off anything she wants. All the girls want to be her and all the guys and gay woman want to be with her. She’s just that damned cool.

To celebrate the genius that is Halestorm, here is their kick-ass track, I Miss the Misery.

Music May #20: Young Guns – You Are Not (Basingstoke Week)

It’s been a while since I was so upset it felt like something was cracking inside my chest. The kind of upset where your every fibre is tensed to the point that any slight movement could shatter everything. The kind of upset where the only thing holding you together as you fall apart inside are your own arms cementing your body into place while the sobs threaten to break the foundations you’ve laid.

I have no right to be this upset over it, but I am. I’m angry, I’m upset and I’m confused. This is partly the reason I didn’t post yesterday. I’ll put a Young Guns track at the end of today’s post to make up for it, but for the moment I just need to talk. I’ve already said this to my best friend and to my webcam as I tried my hand at vlogging (probably not going to happen again). But it’s not enough. I didn’t want to whine too much to my friend so didn’t go into detail and elaborate on what’s getting to me, and I lost track of my own thoughts in trying to explain it out loud to a camera. But here, where time and words are my friends, and you the reader on the receiving end to read all the way to the end – I’d hope – I can finally try and explain why this small thing that I have no right to be so distraught over has gotten me so worked up.

Remember the post I put a few days ago about the text message I received from M24?  The one that said “I really wanted to kiss you when I was saying bye to you at the station but got scared … Just thought I’d tell you”. Well, you may remember I was conflicted over this. Firstly, shock. I never saw it coming. Relief that he hadn’t tried on the day as I know I’d have flinched and accidentally offended him. Appreciative that he didn’t make a move but had chosen to tell me afterwards. Confused as to why he’d want to and whether I thought I wanted to myself. After this message we exchanged texts for a short while, then at half midnight he didn’t reply to my message. I put this down to his having fallen asleep.

The next day, having worked myself up by scaring myself into thinking I was going to mess everything up, I still hadn’t heard back from him. Eventually I messaged, we talked for a bit, and I was actually quite angry that day. I was still a little upset from the night before as well as still being confused, and then on top of that my sister wound me up so much I could have cried out of frustration. I wanted to speak to M24. A few texts later it hit 8pm, and once again he didn’t respond. Mid conversation he simply vanished. It was unlikely he had fallen asleep that early, but I assumed he’d been busy.

This was Thursday night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and he has not text me once.

He recently added me on Facebook, and therefore when I am online I can see if he is. On more than one occasion he was online at the same time as me. He posted pictures and statuses while I was online, so he was obviously around this week. He even Liked my status about the cake I made yesterday. And yet not once did he text or Facebook message me so much as a smiley face.

I don’t want to be the one who always says hello first. I don’t want to always be the one starting the conversation. If somebody wants to speak to me, is it not only fair that they start the conversation every now and then? I’ve been that person all my life and I’m sick of it. I give and I give and I never get back. This time I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want M24 to think that if he doesn’t speak to me in 5 days it’s okay because I’ll still talk to him. But at the same time, I don’t want him to think I don’t want to talk to him. I do. I do want to talk to him. I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me because otherwise, if he did, he’d have text, right? Yet at the same time, maybe he’s thinking the exact same thing. I haven’t text him since Thursday and I haven’t messaged him on Facebook either. So maybe he’s thinking I don’t want to talk to him and is therefore choosing not to bother texting. Maybe he’s thinking, just like me, that if he texts first he’ll seem desperate or pushy or clingy.

In all fairness though, he has no reason to think I don’t want to talk to him, yet I have every reason to think he doesn’t want to speak to me. This isn’t the first time he’s dropped out mid conversation, or neglected to text in a couple of days. It has never been as long as this before, but it has happened in a similar fashion. I always respond to every text of his. Even if it comes with an apology for not responding sooner or one for not being able to text again. He often leaves me hanging. I hate it.

Here is my dilemma. It’s not like we’re an item. He’s not my boyfriend and therefore had no obligations to respond to me. And even if he was, there is no law stating that going a few days without a text is unforgivable. But I’m so mad. How can he go from telling me he wanted to kiss me, to not speaking to me for 5 days? Why, when at the start he used to text me during work and always let me know when he was leaving so I wasn’t waiting for a response, can he not even send me a ‘hello’ when we’re both online? It’s a simple thing, yet so infuriating. There’s nothing stopping him from dropping me a line, seeing as he never responded to me and so is by default his turn to text. But at the same time it makes me mad that I’m so mad about it. What gives me the right to demand a message from him? It’s only been 5 days. It’s not like he’s been gone for months. And yet I can’t help but be upset by it. I’m mad at him and mad at myself and mad at the whole situation.

I’ve just started getting my head around the whole ‘he wants to kiss me’ thing. It’s beginning to be a less terrifying concept and I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that wanted it to happen. I know that during that conversation I got so involved in my own problems that I glossed over the part where he said he was scared. I’m aware of this now. I should have asked him why he was scared. I shouldn’t have focused on me, especially as the resulting conversation basically said “thanks for being a wimp as it got me off the hook”. I promise, that was not my intention. This is something I want to talk to him about. I want to apologise for not taking it into account before and see if he’s willing to elaborate for me, let me in a bit. But like I said earlier, I don’t want to have to be the one that starts every conversation. It’s hard work. Some may not see it that way, but as fellow introverts will understand, it’s exhausting. I want to see him again, I want to speak to him so badly, and yes I will admit I’m warming to the idea of kissing him. It’s weird to admit to myself, and weirder still to admit it to you, but it’s true. But must I be the one to start that ball rolling every time? Is it too much to ask that he does his fair share of pushing?

As I sit here, typing this, I can see my phone in my peripherals. I’m itching to grab it and text, but you know why I don’t want to. But at the same time, if he really is thinking I don’t want to speak to him, would delaying any longer actually do further damage? Do I joke around with him or tell him outright I wish he’d have spoken to me sooner? It’s his day off today and has been online today. Online on his phone. So he could easily have text. But he didn’t.

It’s an endless cycle:

He doesn’t text me.
I get mad a him.
I get mad at myself for getting mad at him.
I think about texting.
I remember the feeling of always being the giver and don’t text him.
I manage to ignore it for a while.
I stare at my phone wanting to talk to him.
I worry he doesn’t want to talk to me and hope he’ll text soon.
He doesn’t text me.

And so it continues.

I’m currently leaning towards texting him. I know I said I don’t want to be the one who does it all the time, but if I don’t say something who knows when – or even if – he’ll speak to me again? I have no right to get angry at him for not talking to me, and I have no rational reason to get so upset over the thought that he doesn’t want to speak to me that I spend my night switching between tears and failed attempts at sleep. Last night I stayed downstairs to watch tv, and cried at least three times. I was too exhausted to go upstairs so I stayed on the sofa and tried to sleep. I finally managed 90 minutes between half 5 and 7am. My Mum asked me this morning why I couldn’t sleep. I said my sleep pattern was off (which it was). She then asked if there was anything on my mind keeping me awake. There was – there was this post. Everything I’ve said so far was going through my head all night. But I couldn’t tell her that. It seemed so lame, so petty. Not something I should be losing sleep over.

I’ve put questions on this blog before and nobody has ever responded with an answer, but this time if someone is reading this and has any advice, I’d be glad for another opinion. Am I being stupid? Am I getting worked up over nothing? Should I wait and see if he says something, or bite the bullet and cave myself? I’ve never had such a close relationship with a guy before. I know what we have – if I can say we have anything at all – is minimal at best, but it’s more than I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose him. What I do want is for him to say hello and ask how I am. I want to ask him about work and if his weather is better or worse than mine. I want to know when he’ll see his nieces next and tell him about my day. I want to ask why he was scared to kiss me that day and if he’d ever consider trying if I told him I’d be comfortable with it. I don’t want to watch a couple holding hands on tv and yearn for him to hold mine. I don’t want to be in pain worrying whether I’m blowing it by being stubborn or whether I’ve already blown it by not considering his feelings sooner. I know some people will see this and think this is just young love making me do the wacky, and perhaps those people are right, but I’m just a girl having never experienced anything close to a relationship and wishing so hard that it’ll work out.

I’d hoped there’d be an easier transition into today’s nightcore video, but there isn’t. So here it is, Young Guns with You Are Not (Lonely). This is one of my favourite Young Guns tracks, even if the video is a little confusing.

Music May #18: 30STM: Stranger in a Strange Land (Basingstoke Week)

I won’t waste your time with babble today as I have no news for you. No updates, aside from the fact M24 hasn’t text me in three days. Rude. Straight to the music then. Today we have Thirty Seconds To Mars with Stranger in a Strange Land. Big instrumental to begin with and a very nice voice, perhaps a little odd in Nightcore, but still awesome. Hopefully I’ll have something better to talk about tomorrow. Enjoy!

Music May #17: The Pretty Reckless – Going to Hell (Basingstoke Week)

I have just made plans for the weekend that are very exiting. Well, not that exciting, but for someone who never has plans it’s pretty interesting. Me and the Pa are going to go camping somewhere in Devon and walk around on the moors, go to Dawlish for ice-cream and crazy golf and fish for mackerel in Teignmouth. I’ll take me camera and get some photos for a post after the weekend to share the fun.

For today however I have three videos for you. I said the other day I was struggling to remember which songs I’ve posted here, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t done this one. This is The Pretty Reckless with Going to Hell. Like the last Pretty Reckless track I have a male and a regular Nightcore version. The original track is pretty sweet – I heard it on Kerrang! Radio and decided to Nightcore it up. Both the male and nightcore version are headbang-worthy. The only thing that doesn’t quite work in the male version is the line about his skirt …

So, yes, videos.

Here we go!

Music May #16: You Me At Six – Stay With Me (Basingstoke Week)

It’s getting hard to remember what songs I’ve posted already. Pretty sure I haven’t done this yet though.

Before we get down to business I want to share with you my undiluted joy in the task of baking cookies today. I love baking. It always cheers me up, no matter what mood I’m in. Putting on my Chef Piggy apron, throwing my hair up in a ponytail and cracking out the bags upon bags of ingredients. I just spent £21.39 on this display:

ImageToday I baked cookies. To be exact, giant triple choc fudge cookies. They’re chock (pun totally intended) full of white choc drops, milk choc drops, dark cocoa powder and fudge chunks. Add in some flour, sugar, butter, salt and vanilla extract and you’ve pretty much got it all. BImageaking is so soothing to the nerves. Measuring out the ingredients precisely; going old school with hand whisks, wooden spoons and bicep power; using every tool in the kitchen once; even having the mound of washing up at the end. It’s fantastic fun.




I’ve considered learning how to bake professionally, doing a course, and saving up to own my own bakery one day. Maybe if M24 and I ever become a couple we can open a restaurant/cafe together: he cooks the main dishes, and I run the dessert counter. Proper kitchen power couple stuff.

I’m thinking about making some videos in the summer of basic How To Bake instructions. I’ll pretty much be telling you what my cookbook says but it’ll be a bit of fun watching me awkwardly spilling flour everywhere and trying to have a conversation with the camera. ImageI’ll invest in a proper camera and tripod perhaps too to make sure the quality is as good as can be. I’ll be like the nerdy, British, less attractive and less amazing version of Nadia G.

For now however I think I’ll stick to basic music editing and chocolate cookie making. I won’t break out the cameras and bitchin’ heels just yet.



Today we have You Me At Six with their incredible track Stay With Me. I already love this song in it’s original form, but something about Josh’s voice is somewhat beautiful in Nightcore. Therefore, I’m sharing it with you.

Enjoy the music and feel free to share any baking favourites of yours in the comments. Do you think I should do more posts about baking? Do you reckon I should go ahead and film some of my kitchen adventures? Do let me know if you’d like to see more of that, because once Music May is over, I’ll be out of ideas for posts so I’d love to know what you guys want to see in The Hell Butterfly’s future.