The Hell Butterfly

Rise of the Technophobe


I lost a friend today. We’ve been together every day for 6 years. But years of dropping, washing, and ultimately charging and dying, it finally gave out. My phone’s Messages broke. I can’t access my Inbox, Outbox or Drafts folder without my phone going comatose, I can write messages but can’t send them, and now I’m not even able to receive them from others. So I had to get a new phone. May you rest in peace, my friend.

I managed to get a Facebook message to my Mum in time so she could send my Dad down to Plymouth with a spare phone. I have just spent the last ten minutes going through it and have come to one conclusion.

I can’t stand it.

I’m a massive technophobe. Anything touchscreen and I freak. They changed the sign in system at my hometown’s doctor’s surgery to a touchscreen computer system and that was bad enough. I detest touchscreen with a passion. I end up doing this weird hand wiggle thing when I go to touch something, like shaking my hand above the screen will make it go away. And when I do touch the screen I do it like I’m poking a sleeping bear. I can’t stand touchscreen.

I was hoping to find an up to date phone with buttons. Actual physical, pressable buttons. I like something I can feel, not tapping a random section of screen and hoping it registered the correct command. But everything these days is God Damn touchscreen.

My laptop screen is touchscreen. Makes it awkward when I’m trying to clean it.

My phone is now touchscreen. Let the pocket-dialing commence.

Every bloody piece of technology is touchscreen. What happened to the good old days of coiled wires trailed through two rooms with a plastic brick for a speaking device? When did pushable buttons become ‘unfashionable’?

Don’t get me wrong. I like where technology has come. Without my mobile phone, my laptop and the internet I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. The internet allowed me to have this blog, and portable computers made it possible to blog anywhere with the help of wifi. It’s incredible, it really is. But why does it need to go any further? Things don’t need to be any faster. If things move at the same speed we do then surely that’s enough? What’s the point of having a device capable of completing a task in 0.1 seconds if it’ll take 0.8 seconds for us to make our next move? Things are good as they are. Or I should say as they were just a few years ago. I don’t like the direction technology has taken and is still taking. I guess this is how the previous generations felt about the laptop and mobile phone.

Technology has really changed the world, but I was quite happy with my Motorola Razr (now officially classed as ‘retro’ by MSN). All I want is a phone that can send and receive phone calls and text messages. You can keep your Flappy Bird and your Instagram. I already miss being able to ensure I’ve spelt things correctly by pressing a certain button a certain number of times. I can’t type with this new touchscreen keyboard. This is a message I just tried to send to my Mum:

ImageThis was supposed to say “Do you remember how to get to the alarms on this phone? There’s one set for 7.40 I think but don’t know how to turn it off”. Now, I’m not the skinniest person in the world, but my thumbs are not that fat. If the letters on the keyboard were even remotely decently sized I would have typed it perfect first time. But because the general rule of thumb, pun not intended, is that the smaller it is, the better it must be, we are subject to tiny tiny keyboards that make our appendages seem chubby.

Perhaps what I’m after is a Blackberry. My Mum just suggested it to me. It apparently makes phone calls and texts and has a proper qwerty keyboard. With buttons. I shall investigate into this.

To Hell with your touchscreen bullshit. I’m a pen and paper gal myself. If I could a) find a post office and b) afford the postage I would go back to the days of the handwritten letter. There’s something quite charming in the concept. But alas, I must content myself with aviary cartoons and smaller-than-small mobile devices that allow you to run the country from the palm of your hand.

I am Megan. And I am a technophobe.

It’s nice to meet you.


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