The Hell Butterfly

Strike Three

Hit. Red peg number three please.

The game of Battleships with M24 has progressed, and the latest hit was unexpectedly beautiful.

Originally I had decided that the third hit would be his asking me on an official date. He did bring this up the other day by asking if I’d fancy going on a date or meeting up, but no day was ever settled. I chose to wait till he set a day and time to strike. But something happened last night which made this potential, weak, strike a powerful head-on impact. M24 just took a well-deserved third red peg, and it was in no way how I had expected.

Since speaking to M24 my mood has been very much up. But two weeks of up was bound to send me crashing down as soon as the bad stuff began to creep in again. I don’t deal well with stress, and this latest essay was trying to push me off a proverbial cliff.

Remember that metaphorical freight train I said was hurtling towards me? Last night saw it collide head-on with my vital organs. Imagine it in slow motion. The last three days were like the impact of the train hitting me. Three days ago it made contact with my chest and the pain began to spread. Two days ago my ribcage shattered and breathing became difficult, but I was still standing. Yesterday my organs were pummeled and I was dying inside. I had a breakdown last night that tore me apart. I could not stop crying, as every time I did I would have a few seconds reprieve and then the pain would return and the tears would flow.

I thought of quitting university. I actually opened a new email and started to type up a drop-out letter to my tutor. I couldn’t do it. I closed the program and carried on having a meltdown. The one message I did manage to send was to M24. I have been dreading this for a while now, but after the intense pain I was in I knew it had to be now that I told him. I sent him a message telling him about my 5 year history of severe depression. I told him about how unstable my moods were. And I told him I didn’t want to drag him into my shit. He is far too nice to be brought down with me and I told him he deserved better than that. I also gave him the chance to walk away from me if he wanted.

He didn’t take it.

His reply, and the next few after this, were some of the most touching words I could ever have hoped for. He was so understanding and said he would never think any differently of me for it. He even said he hoped he hadn’t done anything to upset me accidentally. He was worried that he had upset me. He told me he appreciated that I could tell him and that he actually liked me better for doing so. I won’t copy his exact words because I’m selfish and it was so beautiful I don’t want to share it. But he was incredibly understanding and took it better than I had let myself believe he would. I was terrified that I would drive him away, and obviously this didn’t help the meltdown I was having, but the way he handled it was so amazing it actually stabilised my mood and allowed me to finish my essay.

Strike three – red peg.

M24, you just earned yourself a whopping third hit.

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One response

  1. Pingback: Love Story? What Love Story? | jigokucho

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