The Hell Butterfly

The ‘Perks’ of Being a Paranoid Idiot

For those who have read my previous posts on the subject, there was a certain person on Kerrang! Dating that I emailed first and is to date the only one I have contacted of my own free will. We shall henceforth refer to him as Mr L. In the first two days of being on the site, we emailed quite a few times actually. In the first day it was only a couple times, but on the next day (his day off work and mine off uni) we sent and/or received an email every half an hour, pretty much all day. He was back at work the next day, yet still managed to send a couple emails.

But then something changed.

I sent him a reply, just as I had been doing up until then, and I didn’t receive a reply that day. Fine, okay, he was working. That didn’t bother me. Just as I didn’t receive a reply the next day, maybe he was sleeping all day to recover from his graveyard shift. But then another day went, and another, and another until a whole week had passed and he still had not replied.

Oh God he hates me.

What did I do to offend him?

*Obsessively re-reads the last message I sent him*

But I thought we were getting on so well.

I should have known it wouldn’t last.

He probably decided a clean break was the best option.

Okay, I was kidding myself to think he could be interested. Fair play for keeping it up as long as you have, man.

He’s never going to reply again is he? Alright. I’ve accepted my fate. It was nice while it lasted.

This is what went through my head on the week-iversary of his non-reply. It’s true, I had been kidding myself at the start. The conversation was going really well, but I couldn’t expect him to be replying every half an hour every single day. He has a life, unlike me. At this point, I had accepted that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and what was worse, I found myself in the same situation with someone who had emailed me.

This guy had originally emailed me with specific details of my profile and with his grammar mostly intact. I chose to reply, but the more he emailed, the more I realised I really couldn’t stand the guy. His replies were so mechanical, impersonal (despite the details) and to be honest, stereotypical. He didn’t mean it I’m sure, but in one particular email he managed to insult the biggest thing in my life: literature. Perhaps I overreacted, but I couldn’t help being offended. I told him I studied English Literature at degree level and his reply was: “I imagine you would be studying Charles Dickens.” My eye actually twitched. True, we were studying Dickens, but the fact he had plucked the most stereotypical author out of the air offended me. I don’t know why. We study a lot more than just Dickens during a three-year degree program, and the fact that he appears on it means nothing. An English degree without Dickens would be questionable. But still, he is not the main focus and it bugged me that he had made that assumption. My revenge was to mention that we also studied Wilkie Collins and Franz Kafka, knowing he wouldn’t have recognised the names. The difference between this guy, and my Mr L, is Mr L would have looked them up in his own time to keep up to speed, whereas t’other guy just said “I don’t know who they are.”

But I digress.

Mr L hadn’t replied in a week and my brain would not settle on a reason why. I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t part of the problem. What had I done? I didn’t know. But I must have done something, right? Why was he ignoring me? My paranoia and complete lack of self-confidence wouldn’t let my mind rest. So many scenarios went through my head on what I had done, and wondering what was keeping him from replying.

Every time I checked my Inbox during this week, I had had to train myself out of thinking that the 1 New Message was from Mr L. By the time that week was up I had successfully (well, mostly) convinced myself to not get my hopes up that one was from him. Equally I had, by this point, convinced myself he wasn’t going to email me back.

So imagine my shock and glee to find the day after the week-iversary of his non-reply that my latest 1 New Message was from Mr L. I think I flailed for a whole minute and squealed for that time too. But I regained control of myself and checked what time he had sent it: 7.30am. Weird time, but fair enough. It was currently 10pm. I could get away with sending a reply without seeming to eager now, right? At least I hoped so.

This was two or three days ago. I have as of yet received no reply.

I am trying not to get as wound up about it as last time. I have learned my lesson: just because he doesn’t reply immediately, doesn’t mean he won’t. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that there’s a chance that he won’t reply. But at the same time I’ve learned not to think too much into it. It still bugs me. But now when I sign in and see 1 New Message I don’t expect to see one from Mr L. If I do see one, I will probably happy-dance and reply immediately, but until that time I am controlling my paranoia. He likely has legitimate reasons for not replying. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t have the time to type a reply long enough to address all the points we are discussing, read it and forgot he hadn’t replied. There are a number of possibilities and although it’s hard, I must control my paranoia.

But still, I want him to message back. I miss him.

Mr L is the coolest.


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