“You’re an embarrassment”
I see the word ’embarrassment’ and instantly think of the Madness track. “How can you show you face, when you’re a disgrace to the human race?”. I ask myself this every day.
How can I show my face when I really am a disgrace to the human race?
I do so many embarrassing things. Some that I can think of off the top of my head are these: I push the pull door. I trip over my own feet because I never pick them up when I walk. I am so self-conscious that I end up doing more stupid things than if I just didn’t give a damn. Maybe it’s because I’m so worried about doing things wrong that I end up causing more trouble for myself. I can’t remember the last time I was without even the smallest hint of embarrassment, because truthfully I’m always embarrassed by the little stupid things I do. But there are a few occasions where I have done something or something has happened to me, that have made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.
Thinking back on it, trying to come up with a good example that won’t make me sound lame, I realise more than one of my embarrassing highlights revolve around a certain someone who, let’s say I had my eye on for a very long time. We’ll call him R. I won’t go so far as to say I loved the guy, but it was a pretty big infatuation if nothing else. The first two things I thought of when I looked back over my life involve him.
1) Me telling him I liked him – something I wouldn’t have done had my ‘friends’ at the time not convinced me it was a good idea – and him then telling his friends, and in turn them bringing it up with me in a quiet area. I remember it all horribly. Ten years old, standing behind the old wood bench in the school playground, me with the worst bob cut (something I will never let happen again), and R looking at me waiting to hear what it was I had to say to him. I could see my ‘friends’ standing on the other end of the playground waving encouragement. I remember cupping my hand round my face and leaning to his ear to whisper “I like you.” It makes me cringe to think on it. His face showed his confusion, shock, and ultimately his own embarrassment. He said “Oh. Okay.” I think I blocked out what happened directly after, but I do know at the end of that break-time, when we stood in our lines, one of his friends who were stood next to me leaned over and said “Do you like R?” R avoided my gaze, obviously. All his friends looked to me. I probably turned red. I think I denied knowing what they were talking about. All I know is it didn’t take long for ‘R embarrassment’ #2 to happen.
2) A short while, probably a couple weeks, later an incident occurred in which everyone who didn’t already know I had feelings for R, finally found out. It makes me so angry to think of it, and I held a grudge against the guy – we’ll call this one L – for blurting it out. I still don’t know to this day what I did to offend him. It was weird because I never remember being that close to L but he knew I liked R, and had until this point kept quiet on the subject. But one day someone offended him by letting out a secret of his, or something. I’m not too sure. He blamed me. Despite knowing I was trustworthy and wouldn’t tell a secret on anyone, he still assumed it was me. He never told me what it was that got out so I guess either I didn’t know, or if I did, no-one else had thought to let me know that was what he was mad about. Either way, on this occasion he was yelling at me for doing something wrong. In the room at the time were easily 30-40 of my fellow school-mates. Now, I know I was only 10, and this was a silly school-girl crush and very minor problems compared to the ones in my life now, but still, to a 10 year old who hasn’t known embarrassment like this, it damn near killed me. If I remember correctly, L was stood on either a chair or a table – ironically this gave his next words a greater area to echo round. I think I said “I would never tell someone a secret”. I know he said “Yeah, well just because you like R.” Silence followed. R was in the room. Stood right next to me. He looked at me, I looked at him. Everyone else looked at us both. Now remember, we were ten, and my world had been turned upside-down. I ran into the toilet and ended up crying and refusing to come out – typical teen movie scene – and it was only my favourite teacher who managed to coax me out. R looked at me for a while after that with a look I’ve never been able to place, but it always made me feel bad to see it. It wasn’t a nice look.
Come to think of it, a number of embarrassing moments in my life occur around the theme of guys. Maybe because that theme doesn’t come up often in my life, I remember them better. On one occasion, the only guy who has ever asked me out – he’ll be T – was inching. We were 16 at the time. He did that sometimes. I never noticed it until he asked me out but he inched. I would be sat next to him with a space between us and he would creep closer. On this specific occasion, we were on a bench with friends. Well, my friends. He was the ‘outsider’ if you like who was there with me. He was inching, and I was inching away. Eventually I was hanging on to the seat by half a cheek and he was still inching. I don’t know why he didn’t get the hint. I hate thinking about this because not only did I embarrass myself, I embarrassed T, too. I got up, faked a cramp and shot a glance at my bestie. I said I needed to walk it off, did anyone want to come? She said yes. We walked away, me forgetting to pretend to have a cramped leg, and stood behind a building with me complaining about how cringy it was and how uncomfortable I felt. When we returned to the group, they told me he had gone. Soon after we had walked away, so had he. He came back eventually and he was hurt. I hate myself for not seeing it at the time – I was too preoccupied with my own shitty problems – and I never apologised.
I also accidentally burst int tears in front of T once. That was awkward. He didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know how to stop. At least he stuck around, poor bugger. Bless his cottons. I should have said yes to him ..
To be honest, I’ve embarrassed myself so many times over the years I can’t recall them all. The above examples are just the ones I remember from my ‘youth’ shall we call it. Another one when I was fifteen or so was once where I was so mad at a guy, S, that I was yelling – and I never, ever yell – in his face. He was laughing because it was like ‘woah look out, crazy girl incoming’ and his friends agreed. It was petty and I regretted it almost instantly. He had supposedly taken my friends ruler. I was getting it back fo her. I remember shouting “WILL YOU LISTEN?” at him because he wasn’t paying attention. How pathetic. I don’t like to remember that one.
I hope I don’t do anything as lame and embarrassing as these things again, but I know that’s wishful thinking. I’m going to make a prat of myself, it’s unavoidable. The only thing I can do now is learn how to deal with it when the time comes.
This post comes to you courtesy of the Daily Prompt. I have been Jigokucho, and you have been very patient.
PS. Also please click the doobly-doo and visit my friend over at Animal News. The page is new and is also seeking assistance. The Wild Futures Monkey Sanctuary has suffered greatly at the hands of this storm that the UK is being battered by. Please go and check it out as the Sanctuary could sure do with a couple extra pounds to help fix the damage and save the monkeys. This is also linked with my first ever Project Spotlight, which is happening in a month and could still do with some support. Thankyou on behalf of myself, Animal News and Wild Futures … and the monkeys, of course!
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