The Hell Butterfly

The ‘Introductory Message’ Feature

So I’ve been on K! Dating for a few days now, and the one thing that never ceases to amuse me is the introductory message feature.

There is an option on Kerrang! Dating to send one message out to everyone at once. This is meant as a brief, vague introduction so people can hear a little about you and check out your profile if they like what they hear. A good plan, in theory. But some of the introductory messages I have heard so far are laughable. Below are some of my favourites.

single young man looking for a friendly chat and maybe a date Looking for a long term, loving relationship. I’m easy going and looking for that special personal who has been missing from my life

Aw. That was my first reaction. But it wasn’t an “aw he’s so sweet”. It was an “aw he’s so sad”. I didn’t feel as though I wanted to date him, I felt as though I wanted to nurse his poor heart back to health. Poor sap. Also, he spelt ‘person’ as ‘personal’. Sigh.

21, male, looking for a girl im semi-pro rugby player, who also works in it, i enjoy keeping fit and also enjoy going out with friends

Okay, so you’re looking for a girl. Always good to have standards. “im semi-pro rubgy player”. Hulk smash! Without the simple word ‘a’ in there, it sounds like you can’t form a proper sentence. Also, “who also works in it”. Wait, you work in a semi-pro rugby player? Um, okay then .. But at least he keeps fit (like his first two statements didn’t already imply this) and his friends. Good on you, mate!

Hi, how are you? Want to explore life with me Caring person who would give most things ago in life within reason,sometimes layed back manor and chat to me if wan’t

Oh Lord, shoot me now. For starters, are you a hippy? ‘”Want to explore life with me?” he said in a slurring, dreamy voice. “We can go to the ends of the world, together!’. And there’s no question mark – so is this even a question or a statement? “give most things ago”. What? I know maybe he just missed the spacebar, but .. what? Give most things what ago? Additionally, “layed back manor”. Urrrggh. That was me grumbling. This implies he maybe built a manor? Manor like, a mansion? Oh, wait! Now I get it! You mean manner! Like, actually spelt like a fucking human trait, not a house. Now I see your point! Oh, and don’t get me started on “chat to me if wan’t”. My nose is likely broken from how hard I just hit my face on the desk. I can’t even ..

Looking to date and hopefully find romance! Been single for a while now and looking to spend time with that one special person going out and staying in with a good film! Get in touch 🙂

Well, at least this one knows what a dating site is for and isn’t afraid to admit it. But wait, “going out and staying in” .. Isn’t that a Katy Perry song? “You, change your mind, like a girl, changes clothes”. Make up your damn mind, man! Are we going out or staying in? Or are we going to stand with one leg either side of the front door? There’s no other way we can do both.

And my personal favourite:

I can cook and I love travelling Well im tall dark and handsome haha 😉 my ideal girl would be brunette but wouldn’t mind a blond and a girl that likes to look after her self but im not judge mental on weight. I would like her to be fun loving and a outgoing person that don’t take life too serious and likes to travel. I dislike girls with too much of attitude a turn off is when I ggirl loves herself too much I like a confident but not over confident . First would. Be a casual walk drink and talk or a restaurant for food . What I love about a girl is humor laughter and happiness

Cringe. So much cringe. My ribs were beginning to hurt at the absurdity of the language here. The grammar is shocking, the spelling is worse, and the actual words themselves are simply ridiculous. “im not judge mental on weight”, “a turn off is when I ggirl loves herself too much” and “what I love about a girl is humor laughter and happiness” are probably my favourite bits. I don’t even know where to start with this. I’m actually findong more faults in this as I re-read it. Judgmental is one word – I spent a few precious seconds of my life trying to work out how to judge ‘mental’. Secondly, did you really need to mention that weight doesn’t bother you? If it doesn’t play a part in your liking a person, don’t bring it up. You’re just drawing attention to it and sounding like a Grade A twat in the process. “A turn off is when a girl loves herself too much”. Okay, I get it. If someone is so in love with themselves it can get massively frustrating, but dude, where do you draw the line? If this girl is a fucking goddess, then surely she has every right to love herself? And anyway, to some extent – and I don’t wish to get into a debate about this because I’ll probably lose – loving yourself completely might just mean she knows she’s amazing and isn’t afraid to let people know. Self-confidence can often come off as over-confidence – perhaps some people just don’t know how to express that. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. And as for the “humor laughter and happiness” bit. God, I almost burst a tear-duct laughing at this. A) humour and laughter are the same thing, and B) you don’t like a girl to be sad? What if she’s having a few bad days, are you going to dump her and make it worse because she doesn’t smile enough for you? Jesus H. Christ, man. Of course everybody wants their partner to be happy. I can’t imagine somebody agreeing to go on a date because their prospective partner couldn’t be happy. You don’t need to specify that you’d like your future woman to understand happiness. Gah, this guy makes me want to cry because he frustrates me so much but I can’t help but mock it.

I really hate the Introductory Message feature.

I also still hate the Wink At feature. The same gross 50 year old has winked at me every day since I joined. Ew. Get the hint.

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