Commitment Issues

I have let The Hell Butterfly fall into disrepair. December was a particularly bad month for this – I’d blame Christmas, but then that’s just a bad excuse. When I began this blog in November, I wrote a post every day save a few. In December, I kept up with it for a little while, but then I abandoned it a little at a time. I didn’t realise how much I missed writing posts, but then again I also didn’t realise how lacking in originality I was. I had nothing. I wanted to post, but I had nothing left in my arsenal.

I just looked at my Stats page. This is what the last month looks like:

It hurts a little to look at. All those gaps. This is my fault. I hadn’t been posting. I let the blog crash and burn. The last few days have begun to turn things around, but barely. I know I can blog, and blog well. I mean, just look at this:

If you can read that, I had 66 views from 22 visitors in week 46. The next two weeks aren’t too shabby either. So I know that when I put my mind to it, and blog everyday, or at least blog often, I can get into the blue, so to speak. But then see how low it sinks in Week 49. And then again. And again and again until the end of the chart is but a blip on the face of success. One last example of how well I could do:

November – pretty damn close to 200 views. December – barely touching 50. We can’t count January as such just yet, but I hope that I can get that blue bar a little closer to that November one. I don’t care how many views – it’s not a race, it’s not all or nothing for me. But I can’t deny that it’s about numbers. I get discouraged easily if I don’t see results, I know that. It’s why I never stuck at exercise. And I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but it does. I refuse to deny it, in fact. It bothers me when I don’t get views. But I also know that this is my fault – how can I get views if I’m not giving people something to look at?

I know this is a shabby post really. It’s just me complaining. But I promise (to myself as well as to The Hell Butterfly family) that I’ll post more. I almost said I promise to try, but that’s just another excuse. I will post more. It’s hard to write it, let alone do it. I don’t want to set myself a goal I can’t achieve. It’s why I’m a pessimist – if I expect something to go wrong, then it hurts a little less when it does. I could be setting myself a goal I can’t reach, a task I can’t complete. But I will try, and I hope to fulfill that promise to you. Here is the written proof, and I won’t blame you for holding me to it. You all saw it here – I promise more posts from The Hell Butterfly. And at the end of January I’ll take another look at my monthly stats and see how it’s gone. I hope to see it up there with November. Maybe not right up next to it – though I’ll admit I’ll be chuffed if it was – but just higher than December. And then February will hopefully be higher again.

I’ll try not to have any more commitment issues. The Hell Butterfly is my sole responsibility, and if it falls, I have only myself to blame.