Preface to Bed of Roses
We always think our lives are either predetermined, or free to be lived as we want them to. Free from fate, or bound by it. So what the heck happened to me?
I can’t count the number of times something horrid has happened to me. I could try to, but then I’d be drowned in the sea of overwhelming torment that the memories bring to mind. I wish this were an exaggeration. I may only be seventeen, but there’s more shit in my past than I would wish to share between one thousand people. I’m afraid I can’t go so far as to not wish some of it on my worst enemies. Maybe that’s cruel to think so, but when you consider that my life has been torn apart by those very enemies … No, I would wish some of it on them. Not all of it, but some of it.
Perhaps if I had someone who’d shared in misery as deep-rooted as my own, perhaps I could start to rekindle my faith in humanity. Sometimes it feels like only my life could have been ripped apart as much as mine, but I know that’s not true. I know there are others out there. If I could find someone who shared in my pain. If there was someone out there who, for whatever reason, had felt as though the world had dragged them through the proverbial brambles, then I would know for sure they would get me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hoping there’s someone out there in the big wide world who has suffered beyond imagining. I would never forgive myself for thinking somebody had been pushed to breaking point. I just want to know that there’s someone who has felt pain like I have. And survived.
If our lives are predetermined, then why was I destined to be put through the shit that I have been? If we are free from the bonds of fate, if we really are able to lead our lives and create our futures as we want, then I’m sure as hell certain I wouldn’t have built it like this. If there really is some being somewhere known as God, then why has he treated me so badly? Is it original sin? The life of the son paying for the sins of the father? Huh, maybe that last one could be true.
I think maybe I could move on with my life if only these demons would leave me be. Some days are better than others now. Some days … some days I can wake up and smile because I know that life just has to get better. But I can never forget my past. No-one can never escape it. The subconscious remembers. I see it in my dreams. I remember. There’s the pain, the terror, the heartache. And then there’s her. I wonder if that last will be my salvation. I wonder if she is that light. I hope so, because my mind is already so dark. Even the smallest flicker of artificial light would alleviate the gloom.
I can’t understand why life works as it does. But if things are predetermined, what has it got in store for me next? I tremble at the thought.