The Hell Butterfly


It always comes at the strangest times.

Today, I was watching the music video for Thirty Seconds to Mars – City of Angels and, as any Bartholemew Cubbins production does, it made my cry. It touched me more than perhaps a music video should, which I guess was the whole idea. Watching all of those people speak of their highs and lows, of what made them and broke them. It moved me.

The sentence that hit home for me was spoken by James Franco. The sentence was this: “Who knows what’s going to happen after this? I don’t know, so if this is the only life then why am I not just doing the things that I want to do?”

I love to write. I have a book that I started at the age of fifteen and wrote Part One almost entirely in that year. Then I just stopped. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. Other things got in the way: school, then college, then depression, then near suicide, and now university. But the thing I never stopped to think is the very words James Franco said: who knows what’s going to happen after this? Who does know? No-one can. I have wasted the last four years of my life thinking I had ‘no time to write’ or that I was ‘too depressed’ to think. When in reality I was just lazy, unmotivated and to be honest, I was ignorant. I live in a bubble where each day blends into one and I sit and wait for each day to end, so the next can begin, just so the next can end. This is a pointless, stupid cycle that I need to break.

I started today. I took up my proverbial hammer, took a deep breath and swung at that bubble. I think I made a dent. Today I opened up my book for the first times in at least seven months and I began to work on it. I wrote a preface, found a quote that completely set off the point of the whole story, and it felt good. To sit with the determination to complete something … I’d forgotten how good that felt.

Perhaps this is the beginning of change. Perhaps this is that moment that I never saw coming when I just get it.

Tomorrow I will take up that hammer again. Tomorrow, in whatever form it may be, I will make another promise to myself to change and swing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s