The Hell Butterfly

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It’s been so long …

… I think I’ve forgotten how to do this.

Good evening, WordPress. Jigokucho calling. Remember me? Don’t worry, I don’t blame you if you don’t – I’ve been somewhat of a non-enitity on the Interwebs of late. I have neglected this blog, but for good-ish reason.

This is but a brief post to give you all an update on where I am in my real life, and hopefully it will explain my absence a little bit. Forgive me, readers. I swear I want to write on this blog, but alas life stuff comes first.

The last few months have been intense. I am a natural stresser and worrier, so it has been a struggle to make it through the big stuff. They were unavoidable, so I did them, but it wasn’t easy.

  1. University finished. Around the start of May I finished writing my dissertation which, I’m not afraid to admit, had me stressing to the point of (once again) debating suicide as a last resort to end the mental pain I’d found myself in. But two or three weeks before the deadline I found the click and I was able to power through it all. I finished my dissertation, my short story, and my mixed media project, and I handed them all in on time. It was honestly one of the hardest moments of my education. Suffice to say, even if I had the cash right now, there is no way I could do a Masters degree in the state I’m in. I’ve been in education since I was 4 years old. I am now 22 and I need a break. I need to sort my life out.
  2. I had to get a job. A month of searching, applying, searching, applying, having interviews, searching, applying, having interviews. Nothing. I wasn’t expecting anything grand, or for anyone to snap me up for employment right away, but it’s a real kick in the teeth to be rejected time after time, all while knowing if you don’t get a job and make yourself self-sustainable, you will have to move away form the place you’ve come to call home. I like it here in Plymouth. I’ve gotten used to the surroundings, want to go exploring, and I have a boyfriend to do it with. I don’t want to leave yet. So I had to get a job. But even if I could get through to the interview stage I could never seem to get any further. It became a common thing to wake up and have an email saying “thank you for coming to see us, however we can only take on a small number and we don’t feel you are as suited as other candidates.” It really hurts to have that slammed in your face every day. But I stuck with it, I stressed, contemplated suicide – a now regular appearence in my daily routine – and applied and applied and finally I got something. After all that time I finally found a job. Even if it is with an agency, lacks security for longer than 3 months, and doesn’t exaclty pay its employees gold, at least I have something. I have just finished my third week of training, with one week left to go before Gradbay begins, and I will be put on the floor for real. I’m terrified of this next week – we’re moving on to calls and I am bricking it. But I have to keep telling myself “at least you’re getting paid enough to stay here in the place you want to be. At least you have what you need to survive.” But now I had the job, I needed somewhere to live.
  3. I had to find a house. My student tenancy finished 8 days after I started my job. It was nice as I lived right near where I work, so for my first week I wasn’t having to worry about trekking across the town to get there. I had time to adjust. But obviously, now that I had a job, I needed somewhere to live once my tenancy ran out. And so began my two-week long task of house-hunting. Checking Zoopla, Rightmove, Your Move, Haart, Spareroom, House Share, going in to every single estate agents from Mutley Plain through North Hill (a good 15-20 companies) and comparing each and every one. I found businesses that charged £500 just in administration fees, I found ones that wouldn’t give me the time of day if I said I wasn’t looking at paying bills on top of my rent, and I found two houses that were actually worth their salt. These two I viewed. One, a three bedroom professional house share, £365 a month bills not included. It was in a lovely part of town, a beautiful huge house and the admin fees were reduced for me. But I had to account for £3-400 extra for bills, food and unseen expenses. On my wage I couldn’t afford it. So I viewed the second house. A six bed professional property, just off the main road, £375 a month bills included and only £75 admin fees. I viewed it, I paid the deposit and I signed the contract. There was no way I was giving that place up, not for that money. But I didn’t have the money to pay everything upfront and move in right away. So I agreed that I would move in on September 1st, and I have been living with my boyfriend and his Dad for the last two weeks. It’s been good. Strange, but good. And speaking of my boyfriend …
  4. … It will be our one year anniversary on September the 5th. The last year has gone so fast it feels unreal. Having never had a boyfriend before him I was never really sure how my first relationship would go. I’ve always known I wouldn’t want my first relationship to be short, but I never saw myself two years down the line with kids and a husband. I wanted something that would last, but I was realistic that anything could happen and I kept my mind open to that and ran with it. Bambi and I have taken each day as it has come and we have made it almost to one year and have yet to have an argument. We have had the occasional disagreement, and we have hit a nerve or two along the way, but we’ve always talked about it and moved past it. It feels like we’ve been together a short time, and I’m still yet to develop any strong feelings like the Big L Word, but I am very much enjoying myself. I am happy in this relationship. He has helped me so much in this last year: helping me focus on finishing my uni work; helping me get a job; helping me find a house; letting me cry and scream and breakdown when I felt suicidal; guiding me through the proverbial dark so I wouldn’t want to kill myself … It will be a big day for him, for me, for us. We have acheived so much and we will celebrate our anniversary in around 2.5 weeks time. But on the subject of anniversarries …
  5. … It is the third anniversary of my un-death in 3 days time. Well, techincally now 2 days as it has gone past midnight here. The fact is, on August 18th 2012 I was going to kill myself. And then I didn’t. Some of you who were with Jigokucho around this time last year may remember my post entitled Happy 2nd Aniversary, where I talked about this very subject. I had felt dead inside for months before this day, but I made official plans around the start of August. I was going to receive my results that told me I had failed to get into uni, then I would write letters to friends and family, make an unofficial will, write my funeral requests and buy supplies. Then, on August 18th, once my family had returned from their holiday, said hello, and gone to bed, I would sit on the kitchen floor and wash down a few boxes of pills with alcohol and just … drift away. But then I got into uni. I realised that everything I thought I knew in those few months previous had been a lie. I had passed my exams and I had a future ahead of me, for the next three years at least. So I didn’t kill myself that day. It will be three years on Tuesday. The horrible thing is this though: three years on and I still want to die. Sure, I have my good days, and my down days can be fewer and further between, but honestly when the stress gets high, I want to get going. But the stress keeps piling on.
  6. I have to resubmit an essay or I fail my degree. You know earlier when I said that uni finished? Well, that was a lie. Turns out I failed one of my modules so I have to resubmit an essay and have it pass or I fail my entire degree. The last three years of my life have led to this moment, and it could be blown away by one measley piece of work. It is due in 4 days. I have only got 650/2500 words written, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I have 4 days to finish this, or my degree goes down the toilet.

Every single day I stress about my job, my degree, my wanting to die, my self-harming which even today got worse – the two red slices up my leg being evidence of the aforementioned. I have to keep focussed at work, focussed at home, focussed on keeping calm, and keeping happy, keeping level keeping alive, keeping fucking sane so I don’t screw everything up, keeping breathing.

Basically, it has been a tough few months. This is why I have been absent from Jigokucho. And it is why I will likely be absent for a little while longer still. I will try, I really will, I promise. But I cannot guarantee a thing. If I can think of something to write, and I get the time when I’m not at work or moving house or crying into my boyfriend’s shirt, then I will try my hardest to update this blog. Even if it is only a brief run-down of my day, I will try and write to you. I miss it, but it’s been so hard.

I have no more to say, so I will leave you now. Thank you for being patient with me. I appreciate the support you have shown me since this blog began, and I am thankful for every ounce of support that I may receive from this point on. But for now, I say goodnight, god bless, and thank you.

Is it Okay To Admit I Still Want to Die?

Six and a half years after I first realised I had depression I should be looking back on such dark times and rejoicing. Instead, I feel worse. I sometimes wonder how that’s possible.

Why, when I have a good life, am I still contemplating suicide? Why am I wasting time choosing the best method, the perfect time of day, the best way to be found when I should be out realising the sun is shining, and I am insignificant. I should be loving every minute of this finite time I have here but do you think I can? Like fuck.

Why the fuck? Why? Is it okay for me to still want it after all this time? I know what to do, I know how to get better. I have the tools, the help, the love, the time, but I just don’t want to. Why can’t I want to live?

Gaddmn I hate it. I hate me.

Riverdance, sunset, ice-cream, sleepy puppies, cloud-watching … The list goes on. Things, just things. Beautiful things that take no time to enjoy but all the power in the world to cheer a person up. The world is exquisite. It takes no time to appreciate it.

But I spend my day curled up behind closed curtains making nooses out of ties and figuring out whether it’s better to step infront of a car that’s going uphill or downhill.

Why? I just … I can’t even …

-Sleeping Pandora-

Shattered lines.
Literary shells
from a voicebox unprepared.
Physical, the trepidation
of the sentence, piercing.
Trapped between the walls
that make them.
Choking.
Broken letters lose their meaning.
Lexical annihilation.
Harsh are the shards
of a syntax born of Mutiny
and Melancholy.
A fist unclenching in
the throat of the destroyer.
They will not come.
Glass fragments of Soul’s window
impale them,
those suicidal words of murder.
A knot entangled in
the fleshy chamber, lodged
somewhere behind the traitor tongue.
Intent betrayed to silence.
But for the throbbing ache
that stabs in spite,
all is unchanged.
He shall not bleed.

-The Eye-

Hurricane;
swirling torment over water;
destruction in a blink;
here one moment;
gone the next.
Never does it solve itself,
the grey skyline confliction.
Never will the dust settle
on this heavenly candyfloss annihilation.
Above the water,
where the shipwrecks sleep,
an ever-watching pair of eyes
awaits the fall.

-Corrosion-

Blackened.
Mind and iris.
Fuzzy edges of a feeling.
Sense nonsensical and
line after
meticulous line of poison red.
Slice of rust.
Blackened.
Liquid pulsing into
flakes of coal-stained ruby.
Scarred,
forever etched now with those screams.
Oppression in a vaccuum.
All is lost.
It sleeps.

Conflict is the Bane of My Existence

I hate conflict.

I don’t use the word lightly. Hate is a strong word. There are many things I dislike, some with a passion, but hate is reserved for a select few things. One of these is conflict. I can’t stand it. Some people get twitchy at nails on a blackboard, I get it when an argument ensues. It’s just not in my nature to fight.

Conflict ranges from minor incidents to a full-on brawl. Weirdly I enjoy watching anime, which often involves blood and injury, but that I have a different opinion on. I hate the constant need to fight, that people can’t get along, and that characters are always seemingly angry at someone. But the actual fights themselves are often beautifully drawn and so, if they must fight, I can at least enjoy the art of it.

Physical altercations are, however, only one end of the spectrum. To some extent I find myself actually less affected by them than I do the arguments, the debate, the shouting in peoples’ faces. I can’t even watch Jeremy Kyle if there is more than one minute of consecutive shouting. I’m a turtle. When something happens I don’t like, I retreat. It’s almost physical, I actually feel my neck recede into my chest and my chin become one with my collarbone. Shouting just grates at me.

What’s worse is I can’t even listen to a passionate debate without thinking they’re angry. I stress over the smallest of tension in a voice, so even if what I hear is merely a discussion, if voices are stern I get tense. I have an anxiety over conflict. Any form of yelling or anger in normal conversation sets me on edge. It makes it hard when I’m with people who have naturally loud voices – I always feel they’re shouting.

My intense hatred of conflict has been fired up with the recent General Election. My boyfriend voted Green, my dad voted Conservative and I almost voted Labour. No matter what happened, one of us was going to be in the wrong. As it happens, Conservative won. In the few hours that followed this announcement more hatred and animosity than I’ve seen in a long time came flooding out in news and media: “The Conservatives only love themselves”, “The Tories don’t care about people”, “All they want is more money”, “Fuck the Tory scum”. I hate it. I really fucking hate it. The people who voted Conservative had a reason to do so, just like the people who voted Green, or god forbid even UKIP, had a reason to do so. It’s just the way it went. You all had a chance to vote, you cast your vote, the results came in. It’s that simple. The procedure is fair, couldn’t in fact be much fairer. You ticked a box, they counted them. This time around the Blues won.

Now get over it.

We have to live with certain things. Why get angry about something you can’t change? I hear it all the time, people give me advice and tell me not to let the things that I can’t do anything about affect me. And yet here are half the country complaining about a fair judgement that is no longer in their hands. Stop the conflict. Just stop it. It’s done.

I really fucking hate conflict.

It’s Okay Not to Vote

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As has been on many a social media site and television channel alike, most of the country is focussed on one thing: the election. Who is voting for who? What will they do about immigration? How much do they plan to overspend by this year? Now, I am a 21 year old female about to leave university and join the ‘real world’, and this would seem like the prime moment to choose a side. But the truth is this: I am not voting, and that’s okay.

With so many people telling you to vote and stressing the importance of making a decision about who will run the country, it is hard to remember that it is okay to not want to vote. But the truth of the matter is that politics is hard, and not many people actually understand it. There is a lot to learn, and it isn’t something that can be taught overnight. Simple questions like, why does everyone hate Ed Miliband so much?, or what is the difference between left and right wing?, are actually much more complicated to explain that you may think. To really understand the complexities of politics, it will take a lot of perseverance, keeping your ear to the ground, and patience. Someone who seems to know everything about it has probably been following it for some time. It takes time to understand something that complicated and you should not be ashamed to ask the “stupid” questions because, to be honest, there are no stupid questions.

I am not voting this year. I took a survey online that suggested I should vote Labour, but just because an online questionnaire says I seem to favour the reds, it doesn’t mean I’m going to run out and sign the next 5 years over to them. The main reason I’m not voting is because I don’t understand it. I refuse to vote for something without first knowing what I’m voting for. I couldn’t tell you the difference between any of the parties, so why would I tick a box, or even spoil the vote, without first getting to grips with the basics? In my opinion, it is perfectly okay to choose not to vote at all if you don’t understand. Rather than casting a vote for something unknown, I have chosen to hold back and spend the next five years watching what happens. I intend to find and read the manifestos, see which I side with more, and then see if the party that wins A) stands by their promises and B) makes a positive difference. If they break their promises, or make things worse, it will make my decision more informed next time the vote comes around. By that time I will have a more well-informed idea of the world of politics.

And moreover, I will have a better understanding of what I need. I have a pretty good knowledge of student life, having just spent 3 years at university. But the vote is for the next five years. I am no longer in education, but I am also not yet integrated into the working world. It is impossible for me to comment on what I need in regards to wages, tax and benefits etc. until I have spent some time finding a job, and living in rented accommodation, I will be unable to know what I need from my government. This is something I think is overlooked. Young people still in education are being encouraged to vote, but that government will be in play when they leave, and it is near impossible to predict the difference in living during and after university. Come the next big election, I will have experience under my belt, and a working knowledge of the government. Only then will I be ready to make an informed decision, and have formed my own opinion.

It is okay not to vote. It is wrong to push a person into voting just because you, yourself, understand it. Many people don’t and it is far better to withhold judgment on an unfamiliar topic than to make an uninformed choice under pressure. Your vote is important, that much is true, so don’t throw it away needlessly. You wouldn’t buy a car without first understanding the differences, so why choose your parliament without an understanding of it? Get informed. Listen to debates, follow the headlines (and know the papers’ biases), read the manifestos. And then when the next election comes around, if you feel you understand it enough, go right ahead. At least then you’ll know your vote will mean something.

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