… I think I’ve forgotten how to do this.
Good evening, WordPress. Jigokucho calling. Remember me? Don’t worry, I don’t blame you if you don’t – I’ve been somewhat of a non-enitity on the Interwebs of late. I have neglected this blog, but for good-ish reason.
This is but a brief post to give you all an update on where I am in my real life, and hopefully it will explain my absence a little bit. Forgive me, readers. I swear I want to write on this blog, but alas life stuff comes first.
The last few months have been intense. I am a natural stresser and worrier, so it has been a struggle to make it through the big stuff. They were unavoidable, so I did them, but it wasn’t easy.
- University finished. Around the start of May I finished writing my dissertation which, I’m not afraid to admit, had me stressing to the point of (once again) debating suicide as a last resort to end the mental pain I’d found myself in. But two or three weeks before the deadline I found the click and I was able to power through it all. I finished my dissertation, my short story, and my mixed media project, and I handed them all in on time. It was honestly one of the hardest moments of my education. Suffice to say, even if I had the cash right now, there is no way I could do a Masters degree in the state I’m in. I’ve been in education since I was 4 years old. I am now 22 and I need a break. I need to sort my life out.
- I had to get a job. A month of searching, applying, searching, applying, having interviews, searching, applying, having interviews. Nothing. I wasn’t expecting anything grand, or for anyone to snap me up for employment right away, but it’s a real kick in the teeth to be rejected time after time, all while knowing if you don’t get a job and make yourself self-sustainable, you will have to move away form the place you’ve come to call home. I like it here in Plymouth. I’ve gotten used to the surroundings, want to go exploring, and I have a boyfriend to do it with. I don’t want to leave yet. So I had to get a job. But even if I could get through to the interview stage I could never seem to get any further. It became a common thing to wake up and have an email saying “thank you for coming to see us, however we can only take on a small number and we don’t feel you are as suited as other candidates.” It really hurts to have that slammed in your face every day. But I stuck with it, I stressed, contemplated suicide – a now regular appearence in my daily routine – and applied and applied and finally I got something. After all that time I finally found a job. Even if it is with an agency, lacks security for longer than 3 months, and doesn’t exaclty pay its employees gold, at least I have something. I have just finished my third week of training, with one week left to go before Gradbay begins, and I will be put on the floor for real. I’m terrified of this next week – we’re moving on to calls and I am bricking it. But I have to keep telling myself “at least you’re getting paid enough to stay here in the place you want to be. At least you have what you need to survive.” But now I had the job, I needed somewhere to live.
- I had to find a house. My student tenancy finished 8 days after I started my job. It was nice as I lived right near where I work, so for my first week I wasn’t having to worry about trekking across the town to get there. I had time to adjust. But obviously, now that I had a job, I needed somewhere to live once my tenancy ran out. And so began my two-week long task of house-hunting. Checking Zoopla, Rightmove, Your Move, Haart, Spareroom, House Share, going in to every single estate agents from Mutley Plain through North Hill (a good 15-20 companies) and comparing each and every one. I found businesses that charged £500 just in administration fees, I found ones that wouldn’t give me the time of day if I said I wasn’t looking at paying bills on top of my rent, and I found two houses that were actually worth their salt. These two I viewed. One, a three bedroom professional house share, £365 a month bills not included. It was in a lovely part of town, a beautiful huge house and the admin fees were reduced for me. But I had to account for £3-400 extra for bills, food and unseen expenses. On my wage I couldn’t afford it. So I viewed the second house. A six bed professional property, just off the main road, £375 a month bills included and only £75 admin fees. I viewed it, I paid the deposit and I signed the contract. There was no way I was giving that place up, not for that money. But I didn’t have the money to pay everything upfront and move in right away. So I agreed that I would move in on September 1st, and I have been living with my boyfriend and his Dad for the last two weeks. It’s been good. Strange, but good. And speaking of my boyfriend …
- … It will be our one year anniversary on September the 5th. The last year has gone so fast it feels unreal. Having never had a boyfriend before him I was never really sure how my first relationship would go. I’ve always known I wouldn’t want my first relationship to be short, but I never saw myself two years down the line with kids and a husband. I wanted something that would last, but I was realistic that anything could happen and I kept my mind open to that and ran with it. Bambi and I have taken each day as it has come and we have made it almost to one year and have yet to have an argument. We have had the occasional disagreement, and we have hit a nerve or two along the way, but we’ve always talked about it and moved past it. It feels like we’ve been together a short time, and I’m still yet to develop any strong feelings like the Big L Word, but I am very much enjoying myself. I am happy in this relationship. He has helped me so much in this last year: helping me focus on finishing my uni work; helping me get a job; helping me find a house; letting me cry and scream and breakdown when I felt suicidal; guiding me through the proverbial dark so I wouldn’t want to kill myself … It will be a big day for him, for me, for us. We have acheived so much and we will celebrate our anniversary in around 2.5 weeks time. But on the subject of anniversarries …
- … It is the third anniversary of my un-death in 3 days time. Well, techincally now 2 days as it has gone past midnight here. The fact is, on August 18th 2012 I was going to kill myself. And then I didn’t. Some of you who were with Jigokucho around this time last year may remember my post entitled Happy 2nd Aniversary, where I talked about this very subject. I had felt dead inside for months before this day, but I made official plans around the start of August. I was going to receive my results that told me I had failed to get into uni, then I would write letters to friends and family, make an unofficial will, write my funeral requests and buy supplies. Then, on August 18th, once my family had returned from their holiday, said hello, and gone to bed, I would sit on the kitchen floor and wash down a few boxes of pills with alcohol and just … drift away. But then I got into uni. I realised that everything I thought I knew in those few months previous had been a lie. I had passed my exams and I had a future ahead of me, for the next three years at least. So I didn’t kill myself that day. It will be three years on Tuesday. The horrible thing is this though: three years on and I still want to die. Sure, I have my good days, and my down days can be fewer and further between, but honestly when the stress gets high, I want to get going. But the stress keeps piling on.
- I have to resubmit an essay or I fail my degree. You know earlier when I said that uni finished? Well, that was a lie. Turns out I failed one of my modules so I have to resubmit an essay and have it pass or I fail my entire degree. The last three years of my life have led to this moment, and it could be blown away by one measley piece of work. It is due in 4 days. I have only got 650/2500 words written, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I have 4 days to finish this, or my degree goes down the toilet.
Every single day I stress about my job, my degree, my wanting to die, my self-harming which even today got worse – the two red slices up my leg being evidence of the aforementioned. I have to keep focussed at work, focussed at home, focussed on keeping calm, and keeping happy, keeping level keeping alive, keeping fucking sane so I don’t screw everything up, keeping breathing.
Basically, it has been a tough few months. This is why I have been absent from Jigokucho. And it is why I will likely be absent for a little while longer still. I will try, I really will, I promise. But I cannot guarantee a thing. If I can think of something to write, and I get the time when I’m not at work or moving house or crying into my boyfriend’s shirt, then I will try my hardest to update this blog. Even if it is only a brief run-down of my day, I will try and write to you. I miss it, but it’s been so hard.
I have no more to say, so I will leave you now. Thank you for being patient with me. I appreciate the support you have shown me since this blog began, and I am thankful for every ounce of support that I may receive from this point on. But for now, I say goodnight, god bless, and thank you.